Infinite Quarrel

I've come to realize that in my lifetime, I've spent most of my hours fighting, arguing, and disagreeing. The concept of peace and truce has yet to dawn on me. And no matter how hard I try to stop, well, that's a whole 'nother fight in itself.
But this fight is not the typical fight. You see, my opponent knows me well - better than anyone else in this world. It knows what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. Using my thoughts, it manipulates them and sends me into all sorts of confusion and frustration. It takes me and throws unto the ground with force so strong that I fall six feet under. When I climb out, it pulls me by the hair and throws me into the never ending forest before taunting me with insults that hurt so bad my ears begin to bleed and I start to believe they are true. So I kick it in the center and punch its face so hard, the blood has no choice but to clot itself in the socket. I yell at it to leave me alone, but my opponent is persistent. It swiftly kicks me by the ankle and I fall. I feel its grip on my ankles as it drags me where it wants me to be.
The looking glass is covered in dust and residue, but I see my opponent. Eyes a dark brown, hair the darkest black, and lips set like stone. Dark circles consume the eyes as it pierces through mine. Our movements are one in the same. As I lift up my hand to touch the cold surface, so does she. We blink the same blink, breathe the same air, and our heart beats the same pace.
But we are different. Our thoughts are different. She wants to be free, be selfish, be completely honest, be careless.
I call her monster, but she smirks and snickers. Then she stares at me hard and says,
"You say I'm a monster. Well then, what are you?"

Toss your head back and laugh

The Monster in the Closet

In darkness I sit and it consumes me. It wraps a blanket of comfort and solitude around my shaking shoulders and calms the escaped monster in me. It lets me yell and scream, and cry without judgement as it cradles my fragile soul in its arms. It plants kisses on my forehead to stop the tears and rubs my back to soothe my broken spirit.
When the monster has finished its damage, darkness casts it away back to its chamber. It lets me rest from the fight as it repairs the lock. It takes the shattered pieces of my dignity and puts it back in place, rebuilding the masking figure that hides the truth.
When it is done, it tells me to sit-up straight and lifts up my head. It tells me to open my eyes and look ahead. I look and I see. It shows me the faint light and wipes dry my wet cheek. The light peeks through the cracks illuminating a rectangular figure. The door. "Stand and be strong," it says as it unwraps its blanket around me. So I stand, and I am strong, but the soul is still weak.
I open the door and the light blinds me. When my eyes adjust, I know that my old friend is gone. I walk and I go, and go, and go. And I feel it fighting to be free, to escape again. And it will, it always will just as I know that I will return.
I always return.

OMG, A NEW POST!

Apologies for not updating on my life for a quite long period of time. After finals I returned home where internet access is limited and a rarity. So, I haven't been on the internet, but I have been reading books and sleeping lots to keep myself entertained. Thus I have gained 5 more pounds. I'm upset that I can't fit into my jeans (good thing it's summer) but my belly is sure content with all the carbs, proteins, vitamins, and other nutrients it's been lacking while in college.

I officially became 20 years old on May 13th, or as my brother would like to put it "two decades old." I didn't do much, except get baptized and pack and came back to Chapel Hill for my Maymester and Summer session II course. I decided not to retake chem 102 and will instead either take another EXSS course or a Religion course in Asian religions. This would bring me closer to finishing my minor or major, depending on which one I decide to take. I hope to finish my major and minor soon so that I can take more Biology and Sociology courses, for funsies of course. No way I could possibly complete a major in either in such a short period.

Let's see, what else is there to report?
I'm closer to some of lovieees now since Giggles is doing summer school as well and my Darling wolfgirl lives in town, so I get to see her lovely face more often as well. ^.^

This maymester course is really kicking my butt and taking lots of my time and attention. It's ruining my summer plans, but no worries because in 2.5 more weeks I will be done with it. And hopefully I do well or else I will really feel like I fail at life (if not more than what I already do).

Well, I will probably report more later after my 3 hr and 15 min class today. Peace!

Gasybeans

Choices...

This is a rant, so I would like to apologize a head of time for the incoherent stream of conscious. 

I've been feeling a bit torn lately. The dichotomy of regretful anxiety and shameless content lingers in my heart both addressing two important aspects of my life: my education and my personal happiness.

I just looked at my grades today, and have another 2 C+ s to add to my other 5 I've accumulated, only by my sophomore year. I'm going to have to pick things up during this summer and next year.

What makes me sad is that those classes actually weren't too difficult. Well, the religion one was a bit difficult because we really have to construe our own opinions and take a stand on them. And no matter how hard I study for that class (reading all the chapters and going over all the vocabs) I can't do well on the exams.
Human physiology on the other hand...If I had put more effort into the class, maybe I would've done much better. I don't know what happened. In the beginning I was so psyched and ready to learn how the body's physiology works. But over time I began to grow bored with the professor's droning voice and disinterest in teaching the class. I'm not sure I will be able to get into graduate school anymore now. I can only hope someone is compassionate enough to let me in, no matter where it is.

Although I had time to study for those exams, I spent most of it growing closer to some of my friends. While I'm a bit upset with myself for not using the time wisely, I also am content with my choice. Having been a bit down the whole school year, I didn't realize how much it was affecting my performance in school and retaining information. I've been having a hard time with studying all year and I couldn't figure out why, no matter how many different methods I tried. Now I can see that my emotional struggle was taking a toll on me and I hadn't realized it. On the bright side, I've grown closer to a wonderful groups of friends, each one different from the other, but also very alike and I love how everyone completes the group in one way or another. I'm glad I've used this time to grow closer to them and create a relationship that I hope will grow and not fall apart like all my others. 

So there's the divide that exists, and they keep fighting at each other in my heart making things difficult for me. I can only say to myself that the past cannot be changed, only the future is something I can somewhat have a say in.

hm,

I constantly wonder how my life looks in other people's eyes. Do they think I have it easy? Do they think I have nothing going on for myself? Or are they fascinated with who I am? The thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. No one will ever know the things I had to overcome. -Not even my closest friends, not even my own family. The thing is that people are so quick to judge nowadays. You only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. I always try to look as put together as I can, and I guess that's my way of hiding from the truth. It's just that that way everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay. That I never go through anything. If only everyone knew how broken I am, and how I'm holding on for dear life on this one last strand that's recently become very delicate. The truth is that no one really knows me. No one will EVER know me, and sometimes that scares me, because no one will know why I am the way I am.

Sighs...

My gluts are sore. They been holding all my weight for much too long now.

My brain feels dead. I've been cramming information for past couple of days, and sleep has become nonexistent in the last couple of nights.

I feel lonely, out of place, and a bit annoyed - not just with the people around me, but with myself as well.

And for some reason I feel really, really, really sad.

I want to cry. Let the drops of saline water fall from my eyes as freely as they wish. Maybe that's what I need right now, a good cry.

I'm frustrated.

And I feel hurt. I don't even know why.

Maybe it's because I feel incompetent in this material I'm looking at.

Maybe it's because when I ask for help, I get scolded for not trying first; or laughed because it's common sense to them.

Maybe it's because I want to be in solitude right now.

Maybe it's because I blame myself for everything that's happening at this moment: the cramming, sleep deprivation, stress, and worry for tomorrow's two exams.

Who knows.

I'm just feeling like a gray cloud today.

Darling, open your eyes.

Darling, 

Open your eyes.

You are not made up of those words that hurt you,

or the number on the scale,

or the expectations that you feel you will never meet.

You are made up of nothing more than you:

Simply, 

beautifully, 

wonderfully, 

uniquely 

you.

You are a lovely and complex soul,

and individually fascinating combination of

thoughts,

ideas,

feelings,

emotions.

No other is as beautiful as you.

Look past the mirror.

Look at your soul.

Only then will you see yourself as you really are.

B E A U T I F U L

So smile, and don't forget to Love Yourself.

Gasybeans in wonderland

These past 72 hours of my life has been the most fun I've had in all my college experiences. (Though the timing sure is bad considering it's finals week.)

I've spent most of this time with two amazing ladies, plus two others who pop in every once in a while. :)
We've laughed, done crazy things, make fun of each other, stuff ourselves full, and stay up until 6 in the morning together. And it was splendid.

I even got interrogated about my feelings. That was scary. I kept myself cowering behind a nice soft pillow, avoiding the eyes of the one who would dig every secret out of me. Although this idea sounds scary, and scared me in that moment, I felt much lighter afterwards. Having kept secrets inside, purposely not acknowledging certain feelings, and constantly adding to my wall of defense had been slowing me down for such a long time. While I believed that doing such things was actually helping me to be a stronger, better, unselfish person, I had become the total opposite.

I had become selfish, noticing how I wasn't getting what I wanted nor what I had hoped for. I became weaker, mentally, not able to deal with problems going on in my life and instead storing them inside and creating a very unhealthy and deadly ticking bomb. And I was becoming a much worse person, constantly painting gray portraits of life, and of people whom I once viewed close.

It's funny how it took just a couple days with these girls for me to realize that what I needed was to talk, to also be heard so that I can listen to the possible ways to go about things, so that I could finally breathe. I use to avoid girl talk because they only things that came out of it was usually drama. But now I see that it's not always that way.

Girl talk hadn't been part of my life since middle school. Most talks didn't get too personal, and most of the time the others aren't concerned about me. This is was such a refreshing time, that I didn't want to go back to reality. I felt everything was a dream - sleeping on a nice fluffy cloud, eating all the cakes I could, and not feeling worried about school. It was wonderful. It was my wonderland.

But, I'm stepping out of that world and returning to reality again where my days consists of coffee, late night snacking, facebooking to avoid studying, squeaky beds, and horrific final exams.

Yours truly,
gasybeans ♥

This can't be happening to me

There's that moment when you begin to talk so much about a person that your friends begin to ask questions. Only then do you realize there's something going on in your heart that your brain refuses to recognize.

This can't be happening to me.

I hate that I both know and don't want to know what is going on. The first step to everything is denial, and now I can't stop thinking about what's going on with me. I don't like this.

Giggles (Pseudonym) was listening to me ramble about life events today when she suddenly asked me if I was interested in anyone. My first response was no. Then she asked me if I liked anyone. Again, I said no. Finally she looked my straight in the eyes and said "Would you ever date _____?"

I found myself to struggle with words at that instant. My mouth was open and moving, but nothing was really coming out. I began to stutter and beat around the question saying things like "Well...I think he likes my friend" and "we just hang out a lot" and "he's just nice to everyone" and so on...

She gave me a straight face and with a stern face said, "but would YOU date him?"

For some reason I found it very hard to answer this question. My brain kept saying "No, of course not." but this wasn't coming out instead I said "I think I would. Yeah...I would."

A satisfied smile grew on her face. She got the answer she wanted out of me. sighs friends.

Now, I can't help but ask myself "do you like him?"

I keep saying no. But a tugging at the bottom of my heart has begun to take place.

I am known to be an independent woman who has grown accustomed to taking care of herself. I have trained myself to not depend on the presence of a significant other, to not strongly desire the want for another to share my happiness, because I felt everyone in my life had that role.

With this question at hand, I'm becoming afraid. I don't want this to happen. Especially if the possibility of anything ever happening is quite slim. You see, he already has a woman in his eyes...and she's a sweet friend of mine. And they're perfect for each other.

Ok, enough sappiness. I need to study for finals. -.- Nights.

Yours truly,

gasybeans ♥

Late Nights in the Library

Let me rephrase that.
 "Unproductive Late Nights in the Library."

Yup that just about sums it up. This was me last night, along with a good friend of mine. We spent our six hours there laughing, making jokes, and talking about random things instead of studying physiological components of the human body (human physiology, me) and weird carbon structures that like to fight and make babies (Organic Chemistry, him).

Somehow we got into the subject of dating along these stream of topics we were talking about. And for the first time in my life, I told a guy about how I felt about dating. A guy.

aka a human with testicles, testosterone, and a mind not molded to comprehend the complex workings of a female's mental network.

It was...interesting. but then again, I do think like a man.

So there we were, sitting at a large table. It was just the two of us. Our other friends, who were actually productive, had already left for the night. A soft sigh escaped from my mouth as I contemplated about telling him this odd opinion of mine. Its interesting being around him because well, I've only known him for about 6 months and I already felt like we were at this level of friendship where we could say anything and feel comfortable about it. Actually, he's like that with everyone. For some reason, people open up to him very easily  and usually end up pouring out all their secrets and problems onto him. He doesn't mind it, thank goodness. That's the thing about him. He doesn't judge you. He lets you talk and somehow is always able to bring out the most darkest things into the brightest light. It's truly amazing actually, and I really admire him for that. I wish I was like that.

Anyways...

So I told him, what I thought about relationships and dating, and this is what I basically said:

I just...I don't know. I don't think I can devote all the attention and time that is needed to make a relationship work. I'm not going to do that. Honestly, I will devote more time to my friends and family then to my boyfriend. My education too. I just...I don't know. I don't know what I want, in life nor in a relationship for myself. Like, what's the point of wasting my time and energy in a relationship if I don't even know if I really like this person. I just don't want a boyfriend because I feel like I wouldn't be a good girlfriend. And that I would just be in it, to be in it. I guess I just have to wait for that right guy that will remind me it's OK. I guess, I'm just scared.

To be honest, I think I'm scared of being in a relationship. I'm afraid that I won't be good enough, or that I'll end up being too clingy or not emotional enough. I'm frightened by the idea that I belong to someone else.

And then, he said the wisest thing of all.

 "I don't like the idea of dating because I always felt like it was just a waste of time. But, I feel that if there's a girl who I can talk about anything to, without thinking about what to say or what I can say around her, that means she might be the one. I think that a relationship isn't going to work if you can't truly be yourself around that person. You can't hide parts of yourself from the person you say you love. So, if there is a girl who I can be completely comfortable around, I'll know that she might be someone I like."

That was a bit paraphrased, but that was the basic message and it made me smile. He was so good at this, at forming his own definite opinions and not being afraid to take a side on it, because he knows what he believes.

I'm taking it all step by step. Trying to also formulate my own opinions and have my own stance on things rather than listening to what others say and trying to decide who I agree with. No. That's not how things should work. Today's society has created the young generation to have wishy-washy minds that can't decide what they truly believe and lack the ability to trust themselves.

I want to gain my confidence back. I want to be strong, again.

Yours truly,

Gasybeans ♥

For a short moment...

...I felt genuinely happy. The same kind of happy I use to feel years ago.
On April 20th, 2012 (I know this was like 3-days ago, bleh)  I returned from work thinking 'If I take a quick shower, I can finally do laundry then go to tonight's large group (a Christian fellowship), and then attend the charity event.' But things didn't happen in that order.

There were some misunderstandings about the timing of events, and it annoyed me a bit because I was right, but once again I failed to trust my instincts.

But a friend called and asked if I would like to join them for dinner and a movie at another friend's house and I gladly accepted. I felt a bit guilty about skipping out on large group, but I really felt that I needed to get a way for a little bit and I really messed hanging out with these beautiful ladies. I watched Bend it Like Beckham for the first time in my life and had the most delicious beefaroni and coconut cookies.

Afterwards, I attended the Charity event where we were to be walking for however long we wished. The team I was in walked for a short time, but soon decided to take a seat during the last 30 minutes of our assigned time slot. My friend and I continued to walk the whole way through.

I saw people throwing freesbies,  volleyballs, baseballs, and playing other games in the middle of the field. Curious if the objects were open to everyone, we jumped in and began passing a football back and forth. I haven't played football in years, but the familiar motion of my arms and wrist felt good. Even the fact that the football was still much too large for my tiny hands brought back good memories.

After a while, our arms began to hurt and we found a lonely volleyball sitting on the side. After our failed attempt to get a rally going, we decided to treat it like a soccer ball instead. Oh, how much I missed soccer. I haven't played soccer in 2 years and it felt like forever. I missed the sound of the ball when my foot would hit its surface and send it away to another. We passed it back and forth and soon, another friend joined us.

Our time slot was up and the others began to leave. We decided to stay longer and after a while moved on to throwing a freesbie. Not long after, we decided to take a break and found a barrel of free drinks (no one was monitoring them) and drank to our content while laying on those mats that those pole vaulters land on for track and field activities. We laid on the cold damp mat, taking in the scent of dirt, plastic, and sweat while staring into the dark sky. We were now star gazing. The problem though, was there were no stars. It was much too bright with all the stadium lights on, but we were able to make out about 10 little twinkling dots. It made us excited.

After we were tired of the damp, wet, and smelly mat, we moved on to the long jump station. Running and leaping to gain as much distance as we could, we ended up sitting in the sand and burying our blue feet into the cold gritty ground. It felt good. Drawing faces and things into the sand, we sat and enjoyed long laughs and jokes about feet, butts, and fart. One of the guys had been eying a dome like structure pushed off to side for a while, and when the security guard wasn't looking, we snuck into the dome.

It was echoy and a bit quieter in the dome. We sat on the benches inside and slowly began to let out secrets about ourselves, little by little. It lead to many laughs and a stronger bond and sense of comfort between the three of us, for we all had just meet during this school year.

When we got tired of the quietness, we returned back to the side full of music and males dressed in robes and dresses (they were doing a pageant to raise money). There were tables with beer pong items set up on them, and we started playing beer pong, me the girl versus the two boys. Of course I won :]

After having a sword fight with foamy items, we grew tired and decided to return to our beds. They walked me back to my room and we said our goodbyes. Walking into the dark room, I already missed them and I grew sad. For I knew that the short moment of smiles and laughter had just ended the moment I walked in. As quietly as I could, I showered and climbed into the bed hoping to have another day like this again.

Yours truly,
Gasybeans ♥

Something Brief

Sometimes it's better to regret doing something then to regret doing nothing at all. If we take a shot at something only to find out it wasn't mean to be, at least we know we tried. But if we never take the chance to risk it, to see where it can go - we end up never knowing. And it'll eat us up inside with questions of "what if..." and statements of "if only..." To live in fear of chasing something because we're afraid of where it will lead us means we never gave ourselves a chance to live, to feel the adrenaline, to receive the surprises of life.

So I say to you all, take all the chances life gives you. Sometimes it just takes a little testing of the water to give us the confidence to jump in. We shouldn't tie ourselves down to the empty shore forever without finding out what else lies past the horizon.

Lil Wayne - Mirror ft. Bruno Mars

I'm not really a big fan of Wayne, but to be honest, I do like this song.

Ay Dios Mio!

I awoke this morning with a grand sensation amongst my taste buds that were desiring something sweet, deep fried, and full of lipids and carbs.
Donuts. I was craving for donuts.
This is rare, folks. R A R E.
I am one of those persons who are not very fond of donuts, but you know what? I ate two. TWO GLAZED, LEMON FILLED DONUTS. and it was d e l i c i o u s. Ignoring the fact that I felt sick and awful after the second one.
But I welcomed those southern delicacies into my body and made my way to work on my bicycle. At work, I got to work with my co-worker, Bubbles. We haven't worked with each other for a while and I was so happy to be around her. Her laughter, optimism, and kindness is so contagious that it's impossible to be a dark cloud around her. It was nice to have such a refreshing atmosphere once again.
On top of that she drove me back to my living space, which was super duper great because that meant I wouldn't have to bike up that treacherous hill.
I then spent my time in the library working on this paper I had due today, but when I arrived to class, I recieved the most greatest news of all: our third exam was now optional.
This meant that, after missing two days of classes and not reading any of the articles or books assigned, I no longer needed to stress about not knowing anything for the third exam. SCORE.
Feeling great about this news, I bought myself a cheesy dinner.

I regret nothing today. Nothing. :]
Well, actually...I do regret not finishing this Italian presentation and this other paper.

Good Night to all you beautiful people!

Yours Truly,

Gasybeans ♥