Journal Entry

I think I need someone to talk to who can help me find and understand why I've grown to dislike a person so much.
Today, a friend was talking to me about how cute and sweet a person was, just as everyone else who doesn't know that person as much as I do. If only she knew the things that person has said about this friend. But, of course I wouldn't say anything. That person has enough socializing issues as it is.
This friend continued but stopped when she saw my face that read "I disagree" all over it and asked me why I was making such a face. Of course I gave her the "Nothing" answer with a tone that is really saying "It's better I keep my mouth shut."
The next thing she said made me almost fall out of my chair. She told me how much of a good friend I was and that this person and I have such a cute friendship. I wanted to run to my room, lock it, and hide forever. Apparently, I have fooled everyone.
I am not a good friend. I am worst than the worst. I'm afraid to fight and tell that person what I really think, how I actually feel. When that person hurts me, makes me angry, makes me sad. I deeply dislike this person and I hate myself even more.
My friend told me that she pitied this person. They have told someone that they are super insecure, that they think no one wants to be their friend, and that it took them up to now to finally realize that I wanted to genuinely be their friend.

I wasn't surprised at the first two comments, I've known them long enough to realize that. But that third comment really got to me, and not in a "moving" way - at least not a good way. I was a bit angry, annoyed, and irritated. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" I wanted to yell. I wanted to get in my car, drive 200 miles, knock on their door and say, "Are you kidding me? What have I been doing for the past 6 years? Not once have I ever asked you to be my friend, because I already considered you my friend. How many memories, how much of my moments in high school contained you in it? MORE THAN 60%! I barely knew you, but offered to let you stay in my house because I wanted to help you because you are my friend. How often have  I coaxed you when you were down? How many times have I always told you that you are my friend, that you have friends, that we care about you? Who encouraged you to play that only sport you love? Who made promises with you? Who kept all your secrets? I never judged you because I knew that everyone is different, but I always wanted to understand you. Have I ever taken advantage of our friendship? NEVER. I even attempted to be honest with you, but your pride, oh your pride, it didn't listen. Instead you fire something at me in defense. And I took it. I always took it. You always misunderstood me. I never knew how to react then, because I wouldn't realize you misunderstood me until hours later, after I've spent most of my time trying to understand why you said what you said. This is the crack. This is what has broken us. You don't see it, but I do. I feel hurt, used, stupid, and angry all the time when I'm around you. I feel like a failure, not just in school, but as a friend too, because no matter how many times I worked to keep you in the light, you always smothered it. And you have not once notice my fall. Even if you did, you have not once offered a comforting hand or ear. When people look at us, they see that I am the strong one and you are the weak. But I do not feel that way. When I look at you, I see manipulation - the strongest power of all. And I am a victim, because I can't say no, because I always want to help, because I don't want to leave anyone behind, because I would not want to be left behind. So, you say that you finally realize that I have always wanted to genuinely be your friend. Well, you're partially right and partially wrong. I did feel that way. I didn't really think of friendship as having intentions. It's not like I'm a dirtbag male looking for my fun for the night. No. I feel insulted with that statement. I feel that I had trusted you this whole time with secrets, some of which you have blurted out to people I barely knew, and yet you had NEVER trusted me. Maybe I am misunderstanding, but honey, no relationship can exist without trust, patience, and tolerance. I need help and my tolerance meter is about to reach its max."

Most feel sorry for that person, but I can't find my compassion anymore. I don't know what has happened. There have been so many little things that happened between us - comments, eye rolls, changed tone of voice, etc - that my mind has suppressed. I need to find the key to my suppressed memories, and fast, before I explode and loose all the sanity in me.

I want to be the genuine person I once was, again. I can't take this anymore. >.<

Ah, what to call this

I'll begin with an apology. My blog has been quite...dead for a while. Although I could begin my list of excuses with my limited access to a computer device for a week as a result of my Brother spilling food on it when I let him borrow it to write his final paper, which I wrote half of, I will not...OK, you got me. I already did. Nevertheless, I hope you all didn't miss me and my boring life too much. ;)

I guess I will begin this with a little bit of a girl's problem. That's right, it will be about gaining weight and looking fat in that tiny black dress. So, brace yourselves. You can't say I didn't warn ya.

As we all know, it's that time of the year where high school graduations are bombarding all the arenas and coliseums in your city. If your relatives or neighbors are anything like mine, this also means big parties where all the people invited are all of your parents friends that you don't know or remember and they claim to have held you once when you were a baby and expect you to remember them, but you know they only want you to know them because they know you're going to college and think you will be something big and they want be that person that points at the TV or newspaper or magazine and say "I know her/him. He/She knows me."
Anyways...with these parties come buffet style food. All you can eat, delicious food. So what have I done? Gorged myself in all this food. Why? Because it's free and I love food. And what are the consequences? I gain 5 pounds. Yikes. And now I shall wallow in my despair.

I know, this is stupid for me to be upset over. But I am now overweight and can barely fit the bridesmaid dress for the wedding. I will be that ugly creature that ruins the balance of the wedding. I miss being 120 lbs which was pretty good for my height of 5'2", but now I'm 10 +4 that weight, my double chin is back, and my belly has grown bigger than before, and my thighs aren't looking to good neither. Mehhhh. I need to stop thinking about myself in such a sad way. Why can't I be happy the way I am? Whyyyy?

Well, that's all for tonight. I'll post something more exciting tomorrow when I actually feel like typing. NIGHTS!

Wish Me Luck!

I have my final exam tomorrow! This 3-week course has flown by so quickly, that my brain is just like "final. what?"
I also just began my focused studying. I hope I can keep my focus and remember all these material tomorrow. Wish me luck! I'll need it. :)

Gasybeans

어떻게 (eo-tteo-ke)

wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

What am I suppose to do?
All my friends are asleep and I need advice in the love life area.
A friend of 10+ years just asked me out. O.O I don't know what to do.

Infinite Quarrel

I've come to realize that in my lifetime, I've spent most of my hours fighting, arguing, and disagreeing. The concept of peace and truce has yet to dawn on me. And no matter how hard I try to stop, well, that's a whole 'nother fight in itself.
But this fight is not the typical fight. You see, my opponent knows me well - better than anyone else in this world. It knows what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. Using my thoughts, it manipulates them and sends me into all sorts of confusion and frustration. It takes me and throws unto the ground with force so strong that I fall six feet under. When I climb out, it pulls me by the hair and throws me into the never ending forest before taunting me with insults that hurt so bad my ears begin to bleed and I start to believe they are true. So I kick it in the center and punch its face so hard, the blood has no choice but to clot itself in the socket. I yell at it to leave me alone, but my opponent is persistent. It swiftly kicks me by the ankle and I fall. I feel its grip on my ankles as it drags me where it wants me to be.
The looking glass is covered in dust and residue, but I see my opponent. Eyes a dark brown, hair the darkest black, and lips set like stone. Dark circles consume the eyes as it pierces through mine. Our movements are one in the same. As I lift up my hand to touch the cold surface, so does she. We blink the same blink, breathe the same air, and our heart beats the same pace.
But we are different. Our thoughts are different. She wants to be free, be selfish, be completely honest, be careless.
I call her monster, but she smirks and snickers. Then she stares at me hard and says,
"You say I'm a monster. Well then, what are you?"

Toss your head back and laugh

The Monster in the Closet

In darkness I sit and it consumes me. It wraps a blanket of comfort and solitude around my shaking shoulders and calms the escaped monster in me. It lets me yell and scream, and cry without judgement as it cradles my fragile soul in its arms. It plants kisses on my forehead to stop the tears and rubs my back to soothe my broken spirit.
When the monster has finished its damage, darkness casts it away back to its chamber. It lets me rest from the fight as it repairs the lock. It takes the shattered pieces of my dignity and puts it back in place, rebuilding the masking figure that hides the truth.
When it is done, it tells me to sit-up straight and lifts up my head. It tells me to open my eyes and look ahead. I look and I see. It shows me the faint light and wipes dry my wet cheek. The light peeks through the cracks illuminating a rectangular figure. The door. "Stand and be strong," it says as it unwraps its blanket around me. So I stand, and I am strong, but the soul is still weak.
I open the door and the light blinds me. When my eyes adjust, I know that my old friend is gone. I walk and I go, and go, and go. And I feel it fighting to be free, to escape again. And it will, it always will just as I know that I will return.
I always return.

OMG, A NEW POST!

Apologies for not updating on my life for a quite long period of time. After finals I returned home where internet access is limited and a rarity. So, I haven't been on the internet, but I have been reading books and sleeping lots to keep myself entertained. Thus I have gained 5 more pounds. I'm upset that I can't fit into my jeans (good thing it's summer) but my belly is sure content with all the carbs, proteins, vitamins, and other nutrients it's been lacking while in college.

I officially became 20 years old on May 13th, or as my brother would like to put it "two decades old." I didn't do much, except get baptized and pack and came back to Chapel Hill for my Maymester and Summer session II course. I decided not to retake chem 102 and will instead either take another EXSS course or a Religion course in Asian religions. This would bring me closer to finishing my minor or major, depending on which one I decide to take. I hope to finish my major and minor soon so that I can take more Biology and Sociology courses, for funsies of course. No way I could possibly complete a major in either in such a short period.

Let's see, what else is there to report?
I'm closer to some of lovieees now since Giggles is doing summer school as well and my Darling wolfgirl lives in town, so I get to see her lovely face more often as well. ^.^

This maymester course is really kicking my butt and taking lots of my time and attention. It's ruining my summer plans, but no worries because in 2.5 more weeks I will be done with it. And hopefully I do well or else I will really feel like I fail at life (if not more than what I already do).

Well, I will probably report more later after my 3 hr and 15 min class today. Peace!

Gasybeans

Choices...

This is a rant, so I would like to apologize a head of time for the incoherent stream of conscious. 

I've been feeling a bit torn lately. The dichotomy of regretful anxiety and shameless content lingers in my heart both addressing two important aspects of my life: my education and my personal happiness.

I just looked at my grades today, and have another 2 C+ s to add to my other 5 I've accumulated, only by my sophomore year. I'm going to have to pick things up during this summer and next year.

What makes me sad is that those classes actually weren't too difficult. Well, the religion one was a bit difficult because we really have to construe our own opinions and take a stand on them. And no matter how hard I study for that class (reading all the chapters and going over all the vocabs) I can't do well on the exams.
Human physiology on the other hand...If I had put more effort into the class, maybe I would've done much better. I don't know what happened. In the beginning I was so psyched and ready to learn how the body's physiology works. But over time I began to grow bored with the professor's droning voice and disinterest in teaching the class. I'm not sure I will be able to get into graduate school anymore now. I can only hope someone is compassionate enough to let me in, no matter where it is.

Although I had time to study for those exams, I spent most of it growing closer to some of my friends. While I'm a bit upset with myself for not using the time wisely, I also am content with my choice. Having been a bit down the whole school year, I didn't realize how much it was affecting my performance in school and retaining information. I've been having a hard time with studying all year and I couldn't figure out why, no matter how many different methods I tried. Now I can see that my emotional struggle was taking a toll on me and I hadn't realized it. On the bright side, I've grown closer to a wonderful groups of friends, each one different from the other, but also very alike and I love how everyone completes the group in one way or another. I'm glad I've used this time to grow closer to them and create a relationship that I hope will grow and not fall apart like all my others. 

So there's the divide that exists, and they keep fighting at each other in my heart making things difficult for me. I can only say to myself that the past cannot be changed, only the future is something I can somewhat have a say in.

hm,

I constantly wonder how my life looks in other people's eyes. Do they think I have it easy? Do they think I have nothing going on for myself? Or are they fascinated with who I am? The thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. No one will ever know the things I had to overcome. -Not even my closest friends, not even my own family. The thing is that people are so quick to judge nowadays. You only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. I always try to look as put together as I can, and I guess that's my way of hiding from the truth. It's just that that way everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay. That I never go through anything. If only everyone knew how broken I am, and how I'm holding on for dear life on this one last strand that's recently become very delicate. The truth is that no one really knows me. No one will EVER know me, and sometimes that scares me, because no one will know why I am the way I am.

Sighs...

My gluts are sore. They been holding all my weight for much too long now.

My brain feels dead. I've been cramming information for past couple of days, and sleep has become nonexistent in the last couple of nights.

I feel lonely, out of place, and a bit annoyed - not just with the people around me, but with myself as well.

And for some reason I feel really, really, really sad.

I want to cry. Let the drops of saline water fall from my eyes as freely as they wish. Maybe that's what I need right now, a good cry.

I'm frustrated.

And I feel hurt. I don't even know why.

Maybe it's because I feel incompetent in this material I'm looking at.

Maybe it's because when I ask for help, I get scolded for not trying first; or laughed because it's common sense to them.

Maybe it's because I want to be in solitude right now.

Maybe it's because I blame myself for everything that's happening at this moment: the cramming, sleep deprivation, stress, and worry for tomorrow's two exams.

Who knows.

I'm just feeling like a gray cloud today.

Darling, open your eyes.

Darling, 

Open your eyes.

You are not made up of those words that hurt you,

or the number on the scale,

or the expectations that you feel you will never meet.

You are made up of nothing more than you:

Simply, 

beautifully, 

wonderfully, 

uniquely 

you.

You are a lovely and complex soul,

and individually fascinating combination of

thoughts,

ideas,

feelings,

emotions.

No other is as beautiful as you.

Look past the mirror.

Look at your soul.

Only then will you see yourself as you really are.

B E A U T I F U L

So smile, and don't forget to Love Yourself.

Gasybeans in wonderland

These past 72 hours of my life has been the most fun I've had in all my college experiences. (Though the timing sure is bad considering it's finals week.)

I've spent most of this time with two amazing ladies, plus two others who pop in every once in a while. :)
We've laughed, done crazy things, make fun of each other, stuff ourselves full, and stay up until 6 in the morning together. And it was splendid.

I even got interrogated about my feelings. That was scary. I kept myself cowering behind a nice soft pillow, avoiding the eyes of the one who would dig every secret out of me. Although this idea sounds scary, and scared me in that moment, I felt much lighter afterwards. Having kept secrets inside, purposely not acknowledging certain feelings, and constantly adding to my wall of defense had been slowing me down for such a long time. While I believed that doing such things was actually helping me to be a stronger, better, unselfish person, I had become the total opposite.

I had become selfish, noticing how I wasn't getting what I wanted nor what I had hoped for. I became weaker, mentally, not able to deal with problems going on in my life and instead storing them inside and creating a very unhealthy and deadly ticking bomb. And I was becoming a much worse person, constantly painting gray portraits of life, and of people whom I once viewed close.

It's funny how it took just a couple days with these girls for me to realize that what I needed was to talk, to also be heard so that I can listen to the possible ways to go about things, so that I could finally breathe. I use to avoid girl talk because they only things that came out of it was usually drama. But now I see that it's not always that way.

Girl talk hadn't been part of my life since middle school. Most talks didn't get too personal, and most of the time the others aren't concerned about me. This is was such a refreshing time, that I didn't want to go back to reality. I felt everything was a dream - sleeping on a nice fluffy cloud, eating all the cakes I could, and not feeling worried about school. It was wonderful. It was my wonderland.

But, I'm stepping out of that world and returning to reality again where my days consists of coffee, late night snacking, facebooking to avoid studying, squeaky beds, and horrific final exams.

Yours truly,
gasybeans ♥

This can't be happening to me

There's that moment when you begin to talk so much about a person that your friends begin to ask questions. Only then do you realize there's something going on in your heart that your brain refuses to recognize.

This can't be happening to me.

I hate that I both know and don't want to know what is going on. The first step to everything is denial, and now I can't stop thinking about what's going on with me. I don't like this.

Giggles (Pseudonym) was listening to me ramble about life events today when she suddenly asked me if I was interested in anyone. My first response was no. Then she asked me if I liked anyone. Again, I said no. Finally she looked my straight in the eyes and said "Would you ever date _____?"

I found myself to struggle with words at that instant. My mouth was open and moving, but nothing was really coming out. I began to stutter and beat around the question saying things like "Well...I think he likes my friend" and "we just hang out a lot" and "he's just nice to everyone" and so on...

She gave me a straight face and with a stern face said, "but would YOU date him?"

For some reason I found it very hard to answer this question. My brain kept saying "No, of course not." but this wasn't coming out instead I said "I think I would. Yeah...I would."

A satisfied smile grew on her face. She got the answer she wanted out of me. sighs friends.

Now, I can't help but ask myself "do you like him?"

I keep saying no. But a tugging at the bottom of my heart has begun to take place.

I am known to be an independent woman who has grown accustomed to taking care of herself. I have trained myself to not depend on the presence of a significant other, to not strongly desire the want for another to share my happiness, because I felt everyone in my life had that role.

With this question at hand, I'm becoming afraid. I don't want this to happen. Especially if the possibility of anything ever happening is quite slim. You see, he already has a woman in his eyes...and she's a sweet friend of mine. And they're perfect for each other.

Ok, enough sappiness. I need to study for finals. -.- Nights.

Yours truly,

gasybeans ♥

Late Nights in the Library

Let me rephrase that.
 "Unproductive Late Nights in the Library."

Yup that just about sums it up. This was me last night, along with a good friend of mine. We spent our six hours there laughing, making jokes, and talking about random things instead of studying physiological components of the human body (human physiology, me) and weird carbon structures that like to fight and make babies (Organic Chemistry, him).

Somehow we got into the subject of dating along these stream of topics we were talking about. And for the first time in my life, I told a guy about how I felt about dating. A guy.

aka a human with testicles, testosterone, and a mind not molded to comprehend the complex workings of a female's mental network.

It was...interesting. but then again, I do think like a man.

So there we were, sitting at a large table. It was just the two of us. Our other friends, who were actually productive, had already left for the night. A soft sigh escaped from my mouth as I contemplated about telling him this odd opinion of mine. Its interesting being around him because well, I've only known him for about 6 months and I already felt like we were at this level of friendship where we could say anything and feel comfortable about it. Actually, he's like that with everyone. For some reason, people open up to him very easily  and usually end up pouring out all their secrets and problems onto him. He doesn't mind it, thank goodness. That's the thing about him. He doesn't judge you. He lets you talk and somehow is always able to bring out the most darkest things into the brightest light. It's truly amazing actually, and I really admire him for that. I wish I was like that.

Anyways...

So I told him, what I thought about relationships and dating, and this is what I basically said:

I just...I don't know. I don't think I can devote all the attention and time that is needed to make a relationship work. I'm not going to do that. Honestly, I will devote more time to my friends and family then to my boyfriend. My education too. I just...I don't know. I don't know what I want, in life nor in a relationship for myself. Like, what's the point of wasting my time and energy in a relationship if I don't even know if I really like this person. I just don't want a boyfriend because I feel like I wouldn't be a good girlfriend. And that I would just be in it, to be in it. I guess I just have to wait for that right guy that will remind me it's OK. I guess, I'm just scared.

To be honest, I think I'm scared of being in a relationship. I'm afraid that I won't be good enough, or that I'll end up being too clingy or not emotional enough. I'm frightened by the idea that I belong to someone else.

And then, he said the wisest thing of all.

 "I don't like the idea of dating because I always felt like it was just a waste of time. But, I feel that if there's a girl who I can talk about anything to, without thinking about what to say or what I can say around her, that means she might be the one. I think that a relationship isn't going to work if you can't truly be yourself around that person. You can't hide parts of yourself from the person you say you love. So, if there is a girl who I can be completely comfortable around, I'll know that she might be someone I like."

That was a bit paraphrased, but that was the basic message and it made me smile. He was so good at this, at forming his own definite opinions and not being afraid to take a side on it, because he knows what he believes.

I'm taking it all step by step. Trying to also formulate my own opinions and have my own stance on things rather than listening to what others say and trying to decide who I agree with. No. That's not how things should work. Today's society has created the young generation to have wishy-washy minds that can't decide what they truly believe and lack the ability to trust themselves.

I want to gain my confidence back. I want to be strong, again.

Yours truly,

Gasybeans ♥