Journal Entry

I think I need someone to talk to who can help me find and understand why I've grown to dislike a person so much.
Today, a friend was talking to me about how cute and sweet a person was, just as everyone else who doesn't know that person as much as I do. If only she knew the things that person has said about this friend. But, of course I wouldn't say anything. That person has enough socializing issues as it is.
This friend continued but stopped when she saw my face that read "I disagree" all over it and asked me why I was making such a face. Of course I gave her the "Nothing" answer with a tone that is really saying "It's better I keep my mouth shut."
The next thing she said made me almost fall out of my chair. She told me how much of a good friend I was and that this person and I have such a cute friendship. I wanted to run to my room, lock it, and hide forever. Apparently, I have fooled everyone.
I am not a good friend. I am worst than the worst. I'm afraid to fight and tell that person what I really think, how I actually feel. When that person hurts me, makes me angry, makes me sad. I deeply dislike this person and I hate myself even more.
My friend told me that she pitied this person. They have told someone that they are super insecure, that they think no one wants to be their friend, and that it took them up to now to finally realize that I wanted to genuinely be their friend.

I wasn't surprised at the first two comments, I've known them long enough to realize that. But that third comment really got to me, and not in a "moving" way - at least not a good way. I was a bit angry, annoyed, and irritated. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" I wanted to yell. I wanted to get in my car, drive 200 miles, knock on their door and say, "Are you kidding me? What have I been doing for the past 6 years? Not once have I ever asked you to be my friend, because I already considered you my friend. How many memories, how much of my moments in high school contained you in it? MORE THAN 60%! I barely knew you, but offered to let you stay in my house because I wanted to help you because you are my friend. How often have  I coaxed you when you were down? How many times have I always told you that you are my friend, that you have friends, that we care about you? Who encouraged you to play that only sport you love? Who made promises with you? Who kept all your secrets? I never judged you because I knew that everyone is different, but I always wanted to understand you. Have I ever taken advantage of our friendship? NEVER. I even attempted to be honest with you, but your pride, oh your pride, it didn't listen. Instead you fire something at me in defense. And I took it. I always took it. You always misunderstood me. I never knew how to react then, because I wouldn't realize you misunderstood me until hours later, after I've spent most of my time trying to understand why you said what you said. This is the crack. This is what has broken us. You don't see it, but I do. I feel hurt, used, stupid, and angry all the time when I'm around you. I feel like a failure, not just in school, but as a friend too, because no matter how many times I worked to keep you in the light, you always smothered it. And you have not once notice my fall. Even if you did, you have not once offered a comforting hand or ear. When people look at us, they see that I am the strong one and you are the weak. But I do not feel that way. When I look at you, I see manipulation - the strongest power of all. And I am a victim, because I can't say no, because I always want to help, because I don't want to leave anyone behind, because I would not want to be left behind. So, you say that you finally realize that I have always wanted to genuinely be your friend. Well, you're partially right and partially wrong. I did feel that way. I didn't really think of friendship as having intentions. It's not like I'm a dirtbag male looking for my fun for the night. No. I feel insulted with that statement. I feel that I had trusted you this whole time with secrets, some of which you have blurted out to people I barely knew, and yet you had NEVER trusted me. Maybe I am misunderstanding, but honey, no relationship can exist without trust, patience, and tolerance. I need help and my tolerance meter is about to reach its max."

Most feel sorry for that person, but I can't find my compassion anymore. I don't know what has happened. There have been so many little things that happened between us - comments, eye rolls, changed tone of voice, etc - that my mind has suppressed. I need to find the key to my suppressed memories, and fast, before I explode and loose all the sanity in me.

I want to be the genuine person I once was, again. I can't take this anymore. >.<

Ah, what to call this

I'll begin with an apology. My blog has been quite...dead for a while. Although I could begin my list of excuses with my limited access to a computer device for a week as a result of my Brother spilling food on it when I let him borrow it to write his final paper, which I wrote half of, I will not...OK, you got me. I already did. Nevertheless, I hope you all didn't miss me and my boring life too much. ;)

I guess I will begin this with a little bit of a girl's problem. That's right, it will be about gaining weight and looking fat in that tiny black dress. So, brace yourselves. You can't say I didn't warn ya.

As we all know, it's that time of the year where high school graduations are bombarding all the arenas and coliseums in your city. If your relatives or neighbors are anything like mine, this also means big parties where all the people invited are all of your parents friends that you don't know or remember and they claim to have held you once when you were a baby and expect you to remember them, but you know they only want you to know them because they know you're going to college and think you will be something big and they want be that person that points at the TV or newspaper or magazine and say "I know her/him. He/She knows me."
Anyways...with these parties come buffet style food. All you can eat, delicious food. So what have I done? Gorged myself in all this food. Why? Because it's free and I love food. And what are the consequences? I gain 5 pounds. Yikes. And now I shall wallow in my despair.

I know, this is stupid for me to be upset over. But I am now overweight and can barely fit the bridesmaid dress for the wedding. I will be that ugly creature that ruins the balance of the wedding. I miss being 120 lbs which was pretty good for my height of 5'2", but now I'm 10 +4 that weight, my double chin is back, and my belly has grown bigger than before, and my thighs aren't looking to good neither. Mehhhh. I need to stop thinking about myself in such a sad way. Why can't I be happy the way I am? Whyyyy?

Well, that's all for tonight. I'll post something more exciting tomorrow when I actually feel like typing. NIGHTS!