That moment of calmness

It's summer (period)

I don't know why I decided to take summer classes again after already doing it last year and hating that I did not have a break before the next school year. So, why do I do this to myself? I don't know. I just don't know.

Anyways, it's summer. And instead of spending this last hour cramming information for my quiz today (of which I did not study for) I decided to write this blog post because, well, it's summer and my brain does not feel like studying right now. Even if I did, it would be pointless because I would just forget all anyways right after I walk through those doors. Since this quiz is just 7% of my overall grade, it'll be OK if I completely fail it, right?

Sometimes I wonder what will happen to me in the future. When I think about it, I see myself working as a waitress, or something of that sort, and being upset about having to pay off loans while also really enjoying being out of school. I don't think I quite care as much as others about making a name for myself. I never liked the attention nor pressure anyways. In fact, I hate it. It makes me constantly nervous and anxious of how others will judge me and misunderstand me. You may have, or may not have, noticed by now that my biggest fear and pet peeve is being misunderstood.

It's partially my fault, actually. Being misunderstood. I never made myself heard. I was always quite growing up, and worked so hard at pleasing others I hadn't even realized the reason others had difficulty liking me was because they misunderstood the things I said/do. My sincere intentions to them were annoying and apparently prideful. It wasn't my fault that I was innocent and ignorant to my mother's boastfulness of her only daughter. I had grown up to respect my parents, and so when I became the new kid whose parents wished theirs' could be like, of course the neighborhood kids would have feelings of resentment towards me.

Even growing up, 'friends' would misunderstand me. Even my own parents. It took a long time for my mother and I to finally have this understanding with us that we have now. My father and I on the other hand are still a work in progress. It's difficult for the both of us. Of course, having to adjust to whole new different culture with very different cultural norms had a large role in this.

There are only a few in my life who understand me. I am grateful for them. Although I never realized the aspect of  being "misunderstood" was the problem in my life until now, I'm glad I see it. If I hadn't I would still be living life trying to make others like me to the extent that I forget who I am, what makes me...me. And I feel that I have been to close to hitting that mark already. SO CLOSE. I don't ever want to go near it again. Not now, not ever.

I apologize for the rambling. I will return now to my current situation.

So, here I am sitting in the library typing away with others around me probably thinking I'm either on facebook or working very diligently. Neither is true, I'm just typing up a blog. But yes, I think I will take this chance of failing this quiz, and hopefully - big HOPEFULLY - I will be more studious after today. I will kill those next 3 quizzes and I will DOMINATE THE FINAL! >:D
Why? Because too long I have wasted my youth studying and not living to the fullest extent. I may have been sincere with everyone else, but I have not been sincere with myself. Call me Selfish, but I need love to. And while I give and give, only a few have returned. (This makes me think of my cultural anthropology class and how reciprocity was a big things for many indigenous groups. Now that I think about it, it's also important in my own ethnic background. All my life my parents have put this notion in my head and I've been living in such a way without even thinking it. That was off topic and may discuss this in another blog later.)

Thanks for reading my ramblings. Love you all! <3

gasybeans