Wish Me Luck!

I have my final exam tomorrow! This 3-week course has flown by so quickly, that my brain is just like "final. what?"
I also just began my focused studying. I hope I can keep my focus and remember all these material tomorrow. Wish me luck! I'll need it. :)

Gasybeans

어떻게 (eo-tteo-ke)

wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

What am I suppose to do?
All my friends are asleep and I need advice in the love life area.
A friend of 10+ years just asked me out. O.O I don't know what to do.

Infinite Quarrel

I've come to realize that in my lifetime, I've spent most of my hours fighting, arguing, and disagreeing. The concept of peace and truce has yet to dawn on me. And no matter how hard I try to stop, well, that's a whole 'nother fight in itself.
But this fight is not the typical fight. You see, my opponent knows me well - better than anyone else in this world. It knows what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. Using my thoughts, it manipulates them and sends me into all sorts of confusion and frustration. It takes me and throws unto the ground with force so strong that I fall six feet under. When I climb out, it pulls me by the hair and throws me into the never ending forest before taunting me with insults that hurt so bad my ears begin to bleed and I start to believe they are true. So I kick it in the center and punch its face so hard, the blood has no choice but to clot itself in the socket. I yell at it to leave me alone, but my opponent is persistent. It swiftly kicks me by the ankle and I fall. I feel its grip on my ankles as it drags me where it wants me to be.
The looking glass is covered in dust and residue, but I see my opponent. Eyes a dark brown, hair the darkest black, and lips set like stone. Dark circles consume the eyes as it pierces through mine. Our movements are one in the same. As I lift up my hand to touch the cold surface, so does she. We blink the same blink, breathe the same air, and our heart beats the same pace.
But we are different. Our thoughts are different. She wants to be free, be selfish, be completely honest, be careless.
I call her monster, but she smirks and snickers. Then she stares at me hard and says,
"You say I'm a monster. Well then, what are you?"

Toss your head back and laugh

The Monster in the Closet

In darkness I sit and it consumes me. It wraps a blanket of comfort and solitude around my shaking shoulders and calms the escaped monster in me. It lets me yell and scream, and cry without judgement as it cradles my fragile soul in its arms. It plants kisses on my forehead to stop the tears and rubs my back to soothe my broken spirit.
When the monster has finished its damage, darkness casts it away back to its chamber. It lets me rest from the fight as it repairs the lock. It takes the shattered pieces of my dignity and puts it back in place, rebuilding the masking figure that hides the truth.
When it is done, it tells me to sit-up straight and lifts up my head. It tells me to open my eyes and look ahead. I look and I see. It shows me the faint light and wipes dry my wet cheek. The light peeks through the cracks illuminating a rectangular figure. The door. "Stand and be strong," it says as it unwraps its blanket around me. So I stand, and I am strong, but the soul is still weak.
I open the door and the light blinds me. When my eyes adjust, I know that my old friend is gone. I walk and I go, and go, and go. And I feel it fighting to be free, to escape again. And it will, it always will just as I know that I will return.
I always return.

OMG, A NEW POST!

Apologies for not updating on my life for a quite long period of time. After finals I returned home where internet access is limited and a rarity. So, I haven't been on the internet, but I have been reading books and sleeping lots to keep myself entertained. Thus I have gained 5 more pounds. I'm upset that I can't fit into my jeans (good thing it's summer) but my belly is sure content with all the carbs, proteins, vitamins, and other nutrients it's been lacking while in college.

I officially became 20 years old on May 13th, or as my brother would like to put it "two decades old." I didn't do much, except get baptized and pack and came back to Chapel Hill for my Maymester and Summer session II course. I decided not to retake chem 102 and will instead either take another EXSS course or a Religion course in Asian religions. This would bring me closer to finishing my minor or major, depending on which one I decide to take. I hope to finish my major and minor soon so that I can take more Biology and Sociology courses, for funsies of course. No way I could possibly complete a major in either in such a short period.

Let's see, what else is there to report?
I'm closer to some of lovieees now since Giggles is doing summer school as well and my Darling wolfgirl lives in town, so I get to see her lovely face more often as well. ^.^

This maymester course is really kicking my butt and taking lots of my time and attention. It's ruining my summer plans, but no worries because in 2.5 more weeks I will be done with it. And hopefully I do well or else I will really feel like I fail at life (if not more than what I already do).

Well, I will probably report more later after my 3 hr and 15 min class today. Peace!

Gasybeans

Choices...

This is a rant, so I would like to apologize a head of time for the incoherent stream of conscious. 

I've been feeling a bit torn lately. The dichotomy of regretful anxiety and shameless content lingers in my heart both addressing two important aspects of my life: my education and my personal happiness.

I just looked at my grades today, and have another 2 C+ s to add to my other 5 I've accumulated, only by my sophomore year. I'm going to have to pick things up during this summer and next year.

What makes me sad is that those classes actually weren't too difficult. Well, the religion one was a bit difficult because we really have to construe our own opinions and take a stand on them. And no matter how hard I study for that class (reading all the chapters and going over all the vocabs) I can't do well on the exams.
Human physiology on the other hand...If I had put more effort into the class, maybe I would've done much better. I don't know what happened. In the beginning I was so psyched and ready to learn how the body's physiology works. But over time I began to grow bored with the professor's droning voice and disinterest in teaching the class. I'm not sure I will be able to get into graduate school anymore now. I can only hope someone is compassionate enough to let me in, no matter where it is.

Although I had time to study for those exams, I spent most of it growing closer to some of my friends. While I'm a bit upset with myself for not using the time wisely, I also am content with my choice. Having been a bit down the whole school year, I didn't realize how much it was affecting my performance in school and retaining information. I've been having a hard time with studying all year and I couldn't figure out why, no matter how many different methods I tried. Now I can see that my emotional struggle was taking a toll on me and I hadn't realized it. On the bright side, I've grown closer to a wonderful groups of friends, each one different from the other, but also very alike and I love how everyone completes the group in one way or another. I'm glad I've used this time to grow closer to them and create a relationship that I hope will grow and not fall apart like all my others. 

So there's the divide that exists, and they keep fighting at each other in my heart making things difficult for me. I can only say to myself that the past cannot be changed, only the future is something I can somewhat have a say in.

hm,

I constantly wonder how my life looks in other people's eyes. Do they think I have it easy? Do they think I have nothing going on for myself? Or are they fascinated with who I am? The thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. No one will ever know the things I had to overcome. -Not even my closest friends, not even my own family. The thing is that people are so quick to judge nowadays. You only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. I always try to look as put together as I can, and I guess that's my way of hiding from the truth. It's just that that way everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay. That I never go through anything. If only everyone knew how broken I am, and how I'm holding on for dear life on this one last strand that's recently become very delicate. The truth is that no one really knows me. No one will EVER know me, and sometimes that scares me, because no one will know why I am the way I am.

Sighs...

My gluts are sore. They been holding all my weight for much too long now.

My brain feels dead. I've been cramming information for past couple of days, and sleep has become nonexistent in the last couple of nights.

I feel lonely, out of place, and a bit annoyed - not just with the people around me, but with myself as well.

And for some reason I feel really, really, really sad.

I want to cry. Let the drops of saline water fall from my eyes as freely as they wish. Maybe that's what I need right now, a good cry.

I'm frustrated.

And I feel hurt. I don't even know why.

Maybe it's because I feel incompetent in this material I'm looking at.

Maybe it's because when I ask for help, I get scolded for not trying first; or laughed because it's common sense to them.

Maybe it's because I want to be in solitude right now.

Maybe it's because I blame myself for everything that's happening at this moment: the cramming, sleep deprivation, stress, and worry for tomorrow's two exams.

Who knows.

I'm just feeling like a gray cloud today.

Darling, open your eyes.

Darling, 

Open your eyes.

You are not made up of those words that hurt you,

or the number on the scale,

or the expectations that you feel you will never meet.

You are made up of nothing more than you:

Simply, 

beautifully, 

wonderfully, 

uniquely 

you.

You are a lovely and complex soul,

and individually fascinating combination of

thoughts,

ideas,

feelings,

emotions.

No other is as beautiful as you.

Look past the mirror.

Look at your soul.

Only then will you see yourself as you really are.

B E A U T I F U L

So smile, and don't forget to Love Yourself.