Gasybeans in wonderland

These past 72 hours of my life has been the most fun I've had in all my college experiences. (Though the timing sure is bad considering it's finals week.)

I've spent most of this time with two amazing ladies, plus two others who pop in every once in a while. :)
We've laughed, done crazy things, make fun of each other, stuff ourselves full, and stay up until 6 in the morning together. And it was splendid.

I even got interrogated about my feelings. That was scary. I kept myself cowering behind a nice soft pillow, avoiding the eyes of the one who would dig every secret out of me. Although this idea sounds scary, and scared me in that moment, I felt much lighter afterwards. Having kept secrets inside, purposely not acknowledging certain feelings, and constantly adding to my wall of defense had been slowing me down for such a long time. While I believed that doing such things was actually helping me to be a stronger, better, unselfish person, I had become the total opposite.

I had become selfish, noticing how I wasn't getting what I wanted nor what I had hoped for. I became weaker, mentally, not able to deal with problems going on in my life and instead storing them inside and creating a very unhealthy and deadly ticking bomb. And I was becoming a much worse person, constantly painting gray portraits of life, and of people whom I once viewed close.

It's funny how it took just a couple days with these girls for me to realize that what I needed was to talk, to also be heard so that I can listen to the possible ways to go about things, so that I could finally breathe. I use to avoid girl talk because they only things that came out of it was usually drama. But now I see that it's not always that way.

Girl talk hadn't been part of my life since middle school. Most talks didn't get too personal, and most of the time the others aren't concerned about me. This is was such a refreshing time, that I didn't want to go back to reality. I felt everything was a dream - sleeping on a nice fluffy cloud, eating all the cakes I could, and not feeling worried about school. It was wonderful. It was my wonderland.

But, I'm stepping out of that world and returning to reality again where my days consists of coffee, late night snacking, facebooking to avoid studying, squeaky beds, and horrific final exams.

Yours truly,
gasybeans ♥

This can't be happening to me

There's that moment when you begin to talk so much about a person that your friends begin to ask questions. Only then do you realize there's something going on in your heart that your brain refuses to recognize.

This can't be happening to me.

I hate that I both know and don't want to know what is going on. The first step to everything is denial, and now I can't stop thinking about what's going on with me. I don't like this.

Giggles (Pseudonym) was listening to me ramble about life events today when she suddenly asked me if I was interested in anyone. My first response was no. Then she asked me if I liked anyone. Again, I said no. Finally she looked my straight in the eyes and said "Would you ever date _____?"

I found myself to struggle with words at that instant. My mouth was open and moving, but nothing was really coming out. I began to stutter and beat around the question saying things like "Well...I think he likes my friend" and "we just hang out a lot" and "he's just nice to everyone" and so on...

She gave me a straight face and with a stern face said, "but would YOU date him?"

For some reason I found it very hard to answer this question. My brain kept saying "No, of course not." but this wasn't coming out instead I said "I think I would. Yeah...I would."

A satisfied smile grew on her face. She got the answer she wanted out of me. sighs friends.

Now, I can't help but ask myself "do you like him?"

I keep saying no. But a tugging at the bottom of my heart has begun to take place.

I am known to be an independent woman who has grown accustomed to taking care of herself. I have trained myself to not depend on the presence of a significant other, to not strongly desire the want for another to share my happiness, because I felt everyone in my life had that role.

With this question at hand, I'm becoming afraid. I don't want this to happen. Especially if the possibility of anything ever happening is quite slim. You see, he already has a woman in his eyes...and she's a sweet friend of mine. And they're perfect for each other.

Ok, enough sappiness. I need to study for finals. -.- Nights.

Yours truly,

gasybeans ♥

Late Nights in the Library

Let me rephrase that.
 "Unproductive Late Nights in the Library."

Yup that just about sums it up. This was me last night, along with a good friend of mine. We spent our six hours there laughing, making jokes, and talking about random things instead of studying physiological components of the human body (human physiology, me) and weird carbon structures that like to fight and make babies (Organic Chemistry, him).

Somehow we got into the subject of dating along these stream of topics we were talking about. And for the first time in my life, I told a guy about how I felt about dating. A guy.

aka a human with testicles, testosterone, and a mind not molded to comprehend the complex workings of a female's mental network.

It was...interesting. but then again, I do think like a man.

So there we were, sitting at a large table. It was just the two of us. Our other friends, who were actually productive, had already left for the night. A soft sigh escaped from my mouth as I contemplated about telling him this odd opinion of mine. Its interesting being around him because well, I've only known him for about 6 months and I already felt like we were at this level of friendship where we could say anything and feel comfortable about it. Actually, he's like that with everyone. For some reason, people open up to him very easily  and usually end up pouring out all their secrets and problems onto him. He doesn't mind it, thank goodness. That's the thing about him. He doesn't judge you. He lets you talk and somehow is always able to bring out the most darkest things into the brightest light. It's truly amazing actually, and I really admire him for that. I wish I was like that.

Anyways...

So I told him, what I thought about relationships and dating, and this is what I basically said:

I just...I don't know. I don't think I can devote all the attention and time that is needed to make a relationship work. I'm not going to do that. Honestly, I will devote more time to my friends and family then to my boyfriend. My education too. I just...I don't know. I don't know what I want, in life nor in a relationship for myself. Like, what's the point of wasting my time and energy in a relationship if I don't even know if I really like this person. I just don't want a boyfriend because I feel like I wouldn't be a good girlfriend. And that I would just be in it, to be in it. I guess I just have to wait for that right guy that will remind me it's OK. I guess, I'm just scared.

To be honest, I think I'm scared of being in a relationship. I'm afraid that I won't be good enough, or that I'll end up being too clingy or not emotional enough. I'm frightened by the idea that I belong to someone else.

And then, he said the wisest thing of all.

 "I don't like the idea of dating because I always felt like it was just a waste of time. But, I feel that if there's a girl who I can talk about anything to, without thinking about what to say or what I can say around her, that means she might be the one. I think that a relationship isn't going to work if you can't truly be yourself around that person. You can't hide parts of yourself from the person you say you love. So, if there is a girl who I can be completely comfortable around, I'll know that she might be someone I like."

That was a bit paraphrased, but that was the basic message and it made me smile. He was so good at this, at forming his own definite opinions and not being afraid to take a side on it, because he knows what he believes.

I'm taking it all step by step. Trying to also formulate my own opinions and have my own stance on things rather than listening to what others say and trying to decide who I agree with. No. That's not how things should work. Today's society has created the young generation to have wishy-washy minds that can't decide what they truly believe and lack the ability to trust themselves.

I want to gain my confidence back. I want to be strong, again.

Yours truly,

Gasybeans ♥

For a short moment...

...I felt genuinely happy. The same kind of happy I use to feel years ago.
On April 20th, 2012 (I know this was like 3-days ago, bleh)  I returned from work thinking 'If I take a quick shower, I can finally do laundry then go to tonight's large group (a Christian fellowship), and then attend the charity event.' But things didn't happen in that order.

There were some misunderstandings about the timing of events, and it annoyed me a bit because I was right, but once again I failed to trust my instincts.

But a friend called and asked if I would like to join them for dinner and a movie at another friend's house and I gladly accepted. I felt a bit guilty about skipping out on large group, but I really felt that I needed to get a way for a little bit and I really messed hanging out with these beautiful ladies. I watched Bend it Like Beckham for the first time in my life and had the most delicious beefaroni and coconut cookies.

Afterwards, I attended the Charity event where we were to be walking for however long we wished. The team I was in walked for a short time, but soon decided to take a seat during the last 30 minutes of our assigned time slot. My friend and I continued to walk the whole way through.

I saw people throwing freesbies,  volleyballs, baseballs, and playing other games in the middle of the field. Curious if the objects were open to everyone, we jumped in and began passing a football back and forth. I haven't played football in years, but the familiar motion of my arms and wrist felt good. Even the fact that the football was still much too large for my tiny hands brought back good memories.

After a while, our arms began to hurt and we found a lonely volleyball sitting on the side. After our failed attempt to get a rally going, we decided to treat it like a soccer ball instead. Oh, how much I missed soccer. I haven't played soccer in 2 years and it felt like forever. I missed the sound of the ball when my foot would hit its surface and send it away to another. We passed it back and forth and soon, another friend joined us.

Our time slot was up and the others began to leave. We decided to stay longer and after a while moved on to throwing a freesbie. Not long after, we decided to take a break and found a barrel of free drinks (no one was monitoring them) and drank to our content while laying on those mats that those pole vaulters land on for track and field activities. We laid on the cold damp mat, taking in the scent of dirt, plastic, and sweat while staring into the dark sky. We were now star gazing. The problem though, was there were no stars. It was much too bright with all the stadium lights on, but we were able to make out about 10 little twinkling dots. It made us excited.

After we were tired of the damp, wet, and smelly mat, we moved on to the long jump station. Running and leaping to gain as much distance as we could, we ended up sitting in the sand and burying our blue feet into the cold gritty ground. It felt good. Drawing faces and things into the sand, we sat and enjoyed long laughs and jokes about feet, butts, and fart. One of the guys had been eying a dome like structure pushed off to side for a while, and when the security guard wasn't looking, we snuck into the dome.

It was echoy and a bit quieter in the dome. We sat on the benches inside and slowly began to let out secrets about ourselves, little by little. It lead to many laughs and a stronger bond and sense of comfort between the three of us, for we all had just meet during this school year.

When we got tired of the quietness, we returned back to the side full of music and males dressed in robes and dresses (they were doing a pageant to raise money). There were tables with beer pong items set up on them, and we started playing beer pong, me the girl versus the two boys. Of course I won :]

After having a sword fight with foamy items, we grew tired and decided to return to our beds. They walked me back to my room and we said our goodbyes. Walking into the dark room, I already missed them and I grew sad. For I knew that the short moment of smiles and laughter had just ended the moment I walked in. As quietly as I could, I showered and climbed into the bed hoping to have another day like this again.

Yours truly,
Gasybeans ♥

Something Brief

Sometimes it's better to regret doing something then to regret doing nothing at all. If we take a shot at something only to find out it wasn't mean to be, at least we know we tried. But if we never take the chance to risk it, to see where it can go - we end up never knowing. And it'll eat us up inside with questions of "what if..." and statements of "if only..." To live in fear of chasing something because we're afraid of where it will lead us means we never gave ourselves a chance to live, to feel the adrenaline, to receive the surprises of life.

So I say to you all, take all the chances life gives you. Sometimes it just takes a little testing of the water to give us the confidence to jump in. We shouldn't tie ourselves down to the empty shore forever without finding out what else lies past the horizon.

Lil Wayne - Mirror ft. Bruno Mars

I'm not really a big fan of Wayne, but to be honest, I do like this song.

Ay Dios Mio!

I awoke this morning with a grand sensation amongst my taste buds that were desiring something sweet, deep fried, and full of lipids and carbs.
Donuts. I was craving for donuts.
This is rare, folks. R A R E.
I am one of those persons who are not very fond of donuts, but you know what? I ate two. TWO GLAZED, LEMON FILLED DONUTS. and it was d e l i c i o u s. Ignoring the fact that I felt sick and awful after the second one.
But I welcomed those southern delicacies into my body and made my way to work on my bicycle. At work, I got to work with my co-worker, Bubbles. We haven't worked with each other for a while and I was so happy to be around her. Her laughter, optimism, and kindness is so contagious that it's impossible to be a dark cloud around her. It was nice to have such a refreshing atmosphere once again.
On top of that she drove me back to my living space, which was super duper great because that meant I wouldn't have to bike up that treacherous hill.
I then spent my time in the library working on this paper I had due today, but when I arrived to class, I recieved the most greatest news of all: our third exam was now optional.
This meant that, after missing two days of classes and not reading any of the articles or books assigned, I no longer needed to stress about not knowing anything for the third exam. SCORE.
Feeling great about this news, I bought myself a cheesy dinner.

I regret nothing today. Nothing. :]
Well, actually...I do regret not finishing this Italian presentation and this other paper.

Good Night to all you beautiful people!

Yours Truly,

Gasybeans ♥

misconceptions

Last night I was conducting the last interview for my research when I asked, "is there anything else you would like to tell me?"

The man on the other line was in his early 50s, respectable among the Montagnard Community, and a very honest and kind man.
"Yes" he said.

When I heard his familiar friendly voice, the pen in my hand that was beating on the notebook at the moment quickly returned to its upright position waiting to dance rapidly on the familiar dance floor. My mouth opened to  ask him to continue, but he beat me to it.

The next stream of words that escaped from the phone line put my life at a halt. My chest grew tight, my heart fell, my body stiffened, and my hand began to shake. The pen decided not to dance. It wouldn't matter if this was recorded or not, for it was not relevant to my research. But his words reminded me of the thing I was most afraid of.

Disappointment.

"I'm so proud of you. You have made your parents proud and you give hope to this community. I'm proud of this career choice you have chosen for yourself. Just don't forget about God. Don't forget to grow in faith. Don't forget where you are from. Don't forget about your family. Stay strong and courageous. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your success. You set an example for what a good Christian is for the young people of this community."

I was silent. I didn't know what to say. How could I?

They all think I'm successful. They believe that I can make a difference. When they look at me they see a strong woman, who knows where she's going in life, who has ambition and aspiration. They see hope.

But I am nothing close to that.

I'm not successful. I don't know where I'm going in life. In fact, I don't know what I want to do with my life. Ambition? Aspiration? Those are characteristics of a conqueror, a champion. I could be anything more less than that. I lack aspiration and passion. I'm indecisive, not in control, and unsure of what I am doing at this very moment. What do they think I'm going to do? Be a doctor and open my own clinic? Highly unlikely. I can barely pass my human physiology exams with anything higher than a B. An example? A good Cristian? Hah! What have I done to these people? Have I brainwashed them? Why do they see me in such a way? There are other Montagnard teenagers doing things bigger than me, actually doing well in school, and are in fact pursuing a career. Why aren't they getting any attention, any acknowledgement? What is my career choice anyway? I don't even know.

I don't even know.

"Hello?"

I cleared my throat hastily as the thoughts in my head kept swirling. Shifting my position in the uncomfortable dinning chair, I began beating the pen against the notebook again and swallowed my spit hard.

"Thank you. Thank you for your time and for answering these questions for me. Good night."

"Ok. No problem. God bless you."

Click.

Just for Laughs

Just a little something that made me laugh today.
Click la foto for details xD

The First Post

Hello Reader! :)


So, this is the first post, a post that will most likely appear to be insignificant. I doubt anyone will read or follow this blog anyways. But that's OK.

I've impulsively created this blog, like everything else I do, because I feel that it will be good therapy for me. You see, I'm just like you. I have feelings. I get angry, sad, happy, confused, lost, etc. The problem is, I'm a much passive person. I don't like to confront my problems because, well..., that's how my mind deals with things. It likes to forget things that make me unhappy. But lately, in the past two years I've found myself thinking a lot. I've been thinking things that I've never thought about before, and it makes me uncomfortable, unhappy.

So here it is, a blog. A place where I can spill out all the beans in this noggin of mine. A compilation of rants and minor events that somehow have been imprinted with meaning. Postings will be inconsistent, and dependent on my mood.
Thanks for visiting, and thanks for reading, for listening. It's nice to be heard once in a while.


Yours truly,

Gasybeans ♥

P.S. Please do visit my other blog: Sketchy Scribbles. It's a joint-blog with a friend of mine containing a collection of our impulsive writing ideas.