This can't be happening to me

There's that moment when you begin to talk so much about a person that your friends begin to ask questions. Only then do you realize there's something going on in your heart that your brain refuses to recognize.

This can't be happening to me.

I hate that I both know and don't want to know what is going on. The first step to everything is denial, and now I can't stop thinking about what's going on with me. I don't like this.

Giggles (Pseudonym) was listening to me ramble about life events today when she suddenly asked me if I was interested in anyone. My first response was no. Then she asked me if I liked anyone. Again, I said no. Finally she looked my straight in the eyes and said "Would you ever date _____?"

I found myself to struggle with words at that instant. My mouth was open and moving, but nothing was really coming out. I began to stutter and beat around the question saying things like "Well...I think he likes my friend" and "we just hang out a lot" and "he's just nice to everyone" and so on...

She gave me a straight face and with a stern face said, "but would YOU date him?"

For some reason I found it very hard to answer this question. My brain kept saying "No, of course not." but this wasn't coming out instead I said "I think I would. Yeah...I would."

A satisfied smile grew on her face. She got the answer she wanted out of me. sighs friends.

Now, I can't help but ask myself "do you like him?"

I keep saying no. But a tugging at the bottom of my heart has begun to take place.

I am known to be an independent woman who has grown accustomed to taking care of herself. I have trained myself to not depend on the presence of a significant other, to not strongly desire the want for another to share my happiness, because I felt everyone in my life had that role.

With this question at hand, I'm becoming afraid. I don't want this to happen. Especially if the possibility of anything ever happening is quite slim. You see, he already has a woman in his eyes...and she's a sweet friend of mine. And they're perfect for each other.

Ok, enough sappiness. I need to study for finals. -.- Nights.

Yours truly,

gasybeans ♥