misconceptions

Last night I was conducting the last interview for my research when I asked, "is there anything else you would like to tell me?"

The man on the other line was in his early 50s, respectable among the Montagnard Community, and a very honest and kind man.
"Yes" he said.

When I heard his familiar friendly voice, the pen in my hand that was beating on the notebook at the moment quickly returned to its upright position waiting to dance rapidly on the familiar dance floor. My mouth opened to  ask him to continue, but he beat me to it.

The next stream of words that escaped from the phone line put my life at a halt. My chest grew tight, my heart fell, my body stiffened, and my hand began to shake. The pen decided not to dance. It wouldn't matter if this was recorded or not, for it was not relevant to my research. But his words reminded me of the thing I was most afraid of.

Disappointment.

"I'm so proud of you. You have made your parents proud and you give hope to this community. I'm proud of this career choice you have chosen for yourself. Just don't forget about God. Don't forget to grow in faith. Don't forget where you are from. Don't forget about your family. Stay strong and courageous. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your success. You set an example for what a good Christian is for the young people of this community."

I was silent. I didn't know what to say. How could I?

They all think I'm successful. They believe that I can make a difference. When they look at me they see a strong woman, who knows where she's going in life, who has ambition and aspiration. They see hope.

But I am nothing close to that.

I'm not successful. I don't know where I'm going in life. In fact, I don't know what I want to do with my life. Ambition? Aspiration? Those are characteristics of a conqueror, a champion. I could be anything more less than that. I lack aspiration and passion. I'm indecisive, not in control, and unsure of what I am doing at this very moment. What do they think I'm going to do? Be a doctor and open my own clinic? Highly unlikely. I can barely pass my human physiology exams with anything higher than a B. An example? A good Cristian? Hah! What have I done to these people? Have I brainwashed them? Why do they see me in such a way? There are other Montagnard teenagers doing things bigger than me, actually doing well in school, and are in fact pursuing a career. Why aren't they getting any attention, any acknowledgement? What is my career choice anyway? I don't even know.

I don't even know.

"Hello?"

I cleared my throat hastily as the thoughts in my head kept swirling. Shifting my position in the uncomfortable dinning chair, I began beating the pen against the notebook again and swallowed my spit hard.

"Thank you. Thank you for your time and for answering these questions for me. Good night."

"Ok. No problem. God bless you."

Click.