Late Nights in the Library

Let me rephrase that.
 "Unproductive Late Nights in the Library."

Yup that just about sums it up. This was me last night, along with a good friend of mine. We spent our six hours there laughing, making jokes, and talking about random things instead of studying physiological components of the human body (human physiology, me) and weird carbon structures that like to fight and make babies (Organic Chemistry, him).

Somehow we got into the subject of dating along these stream of topics we were talking about. And for the first time in my life, I told a guy about how I felt about dating. A guy.

aka a human with testicles, testosterone, and a mind not molded to comprehend the complex workings of a female's mental network.

It was...interesting. but then again, I do think like a man.

So there we were, sitting at a large table. It was just the two of us. Our other friends, who were actually productive, had already left for the night. A soft sigh escaped from my mouth as I contemplated about telling him this odd opinion of mine. Its interesting being around him because well, I've only known him for about 6 months and I already felt like we were at this level of friendship where we could say anything and feel comfortable about it. Actually, he's like that with everyone. For some reason, people open up to him very easily  and usually end up pouring out all their secrets and problems onto him. He doesn't mind it, thank goodness. That's the thing about him. He doesn't judge you. He lets you talk and somehow is always able to bring out the most darkest things into the brightest light. It's truly amazing actually, and I really admire him for that. I wish I was like that.

Anyways...

So I told him, what I thought about relationships and dating, and this is what I basically said:

I just...I don't know. I don't think I can devote all the attention and time that is needed to make a relationship work. I'm not going to do that. Honestly, I will devote more time to my friends and family then to my boyfriend. My education too. I just...I don't know. I don't know what I want, in life nor in a relationship for myself. Like, what's the point of wasting my time and energy in a relationship if I don't even know if I really like this person. I just don't want a boyfriend because I feel like I wouldn't be a good girlfriend. And that I would just be in it, to be in it. I guess I just have to wait for that right guy that will remind me it's OK. I guess, I'm just scared.

To be honest, I think I'm scared of being in a relationship. I'm afraid that I won't be good enough, or that I'll end up being too clingy or not emotional enough. I'm frightened by the idea that I belong to someone else.

And then, he said the wisest thing of all.

 "I don't like the idea of dating because I always felt like it was just a waste of time. But, I feel that if there's a girl who I can talk about anything to, without thinking about what to say or what I can say around her, that means she might be the one. I think that a relationship isn't going to work if you can't truly be yourself around that person. You can't hide parts of yourself from the person you say you love. So, if there is a girl who I can be completely comfortable around, I'll know that she might be someone I like."

That was a bit paraphrased, but that was the basic message and it made me smile. He was so good at this, at forming his own definite opinions and not being afraid to take a side on it, because he knows what he believes.

I'm taking it all step by step. Trying to also formulate my own opinions and have my own stance on things rather than listening to what others say and trying to decide who I agree with. No. That's not how things should work. Today's society has created the young generation to have wishy-washy minds that can't decide what they truly believe and lack the ability to trust themselves.

I want to gain my confidence back. I want to be strong, again.

Yours truly,

Gasybeans ♥