Quote from tumblr

Here's a sweet quote I found on tumblr :)

“I’d cut my soul into a million different pieces just to form a constellation to light your way home. I’d write love poems to the parts of yourself you can’t stand. I’d stand in the shadows of your heart and tell you I’m not afraid of your dark.”

—	Andrea Gibson

Food

I love food and I am always eating. It's quite a problem actually. Maybe even an addiction?

I love food.

The End.

Pretty Woman

In most of my posts, I ramble on about how unhappy I am about my body and how I look. I admit that I am a bit insecure and I do sometime wish that I was a bit thinner in some areas, and fuller in others. But sometimes I do look in the mirror, turn my body in different angles and say “you are quite a pretty woman, you know that?”

Today has been one of those days.

I haven’t lost any weight, just toned up a bit more since the last time I went to the gym. I just have on light mascara and a little bit of purple-pinkish lipstick to add color to my face, no heavy make-up. My favorite sport bra that holds things snuggly and comfortably and a pair of athletic shorts have been my attire all day since my run this morning. Nothing special is going on today (Except volleyball later tonight with some friends), so there hasn’t been any need for myself to dress up. I don’t know why I feel pretty today, but I do.

It’s a bit embarrassing, and I’ve been pondering whether or not I want to admit such a thing, but I’ve spent the last hour singing and dancing to my spotify playlist. In addition to that I’ve been posing in front of the mirror, pretending that I’m a model being photographed and imagining what it would be like. I think all young women do this at least once in their lives. We pretend to be that impossible being plastered all over magazines, billboards, and ads. And when we do, we suddenly feel confident, bold, and beautiful. It’s odd actually, how such imagination can make us feel good at times and at other times make us feel repulsive.

But the point is, it feels nice to think this way about myself, for all women to feel this way about themselves. We are beautiful beings, and we come in different shapes and sizes for a reason - to add meaning and depth to this world.

EL FIN! :)

10:00 AM, summer school is officially...

...OVERRRRRR!
Well, at least for me. :P

I'm so super duper booper luper fuper cooper...I don't know what I'm saying, but SUPER DUPER ECSTATIC right now! Even though I have to work in this humidity and hot sun before I leave, I DON'T EVEN CARE! I'm just so happy to go home and enjoy my last 3 weeks of SUMMER!! finally.

So, I gotta go catch my bus, pack, go to work, and then pack some more and go home! YEPPIEEEE! Although, I still have to come back tomorrow to get my futon, but that is OK!

I'm going to miss my HOME BOO! but now I'll finally get to spend quality time with family and old friends. Who doesn't enjoy that? :DDDDD


HAVE A WONDERFUL END OF SUMMER EVERYONE! <3

the sequencing of my day today...

Woke-up at 10:30 AM
Got-up at 11:30 AM
Chatted on facebook to the lovely wolfgirl until 12:20 ish
Left for work at 12:35
Got some gas on the way and got creepy smiles from the guy at the pump over.
Got to work exactly at 1. Clocked in and did nothing for 20 mins as I waited for instructions.
Weeded and cleaned paths for a while before spending 30 (around 4:00) minutes eating ice cream and chatting with my supervisor for that day.
5:10 - she lets me out early cause she doesn't feel like working.
Get home at 5:30 and make myself dinner (chajang noodles - I think I spelled it worng)
5:45 - EAT :)
6:00 eat some more and is phoned by the baby brother
6:20 shower
6:35 Listen to music and sing
7:00 opens up sakai to start studying....decides to facebook instead
7:30 gets sleepy and decides to nap...
10:00 wakes up from a text from a friend asking about the quiz tomorrow. Realize I've been asleep for 2 hrs and haven't started studying....phuck.
10:10 - drinks orange juice and sits around and watches the end of a movie with the roommate.
10:45 - checks facebook
NOW - writing this blog.

hmm....I should probably go study, eh?

uhm...YOLO?

On Sunday, July 15th, 2012, my older brother got married to the sweetest woman I know. I'm so happy for them both. I know he has been waiting for this day all his life because he use to always talk about having his own family and marrying a wonderful woman. After 28 years, it has finally happened. I'm so glad they met, even if it was a bit sketchy at first, but it all worked out. I hope they have a long-lasting and happy marriage with beautiful and wonderful children that I can be the aunt of.

This is a video a friend posted on facebook of the reception where we were dancing like crazy and being oh so embarrassing. But it place needed a bit of spice and a kick. MY cousin, Friend, brother, and I livened it up.

TIE#1 - Exercising

That's right folks, I enjoy EXERCISING! :D (probably explains why I'm a exercise and sport science major....)

Anyways...

Most of my friends know this already, and kind of find it puzzling because, I mean come on, who actually enjoys exercising? *points to self* This girl here.
Now, you are probably thinking that I like exercising because it helps me keep my body in shape. This is only partially true because my body really likes to expand because of my love for food, so that doesn't really seem to apply here. The real reasons for why I like to exercise are the following:

1. This may be too much information, but exercising helps my bowel movement. Who doesn't love a clean colon, right? This is one of the mean reasons why I like exercising. I don't feel constipated and my body feels clean and toxic free. I love how empty my stomach gets. It means I can stuff it again. :)

2. Exercising helps me relax. It really does! Lots of people listen to music to help them exercise, but I fuel on my stress and thoughts. I like to run outside because of this. Running outside, I can go anywhere and the distance is limitless with ever changing scenery. During these kind of runs I just go through all my thoughts, what I've been feeling all day and why, what people are doing around me, what I want to do with my life, how I'm going to answer a question on a homework, curse about a person to myself, etc. You guys should try it! You let out anger, sadness, anxiousness, and fear this way - at least I do.

3. After exercising, I can focus. When I don't exercise my mind is a mess. It can't focus on one thing and usually jumps all over the place to the different things I need and feel like doing. It's because I have so much energy. But when I exercise, I release some of the unnecessary energy and end up with just enough to keep myself focused on one thing at a time. This is the best way for me to make myself study. I gotta exercise before I open that textbook and pull out some paper and a pen.

4. It makes me feel good about myself. When I exercise and see that I can still run a mile or 2 in a set time frame, lift weights, and do all those other exercises, it reminds me that though I may not be as skinny as the girls in the media, I am still healthy and functioning normally. It makes me believe that I may be bigger or "thicker" than most of my friends, but I am still fit and still strong.

5. I can eat all the food I want without feeling too guilty! :D

6. Sometimes I can look at eye candy at the gym and people watch as I run. :)

These are the reasons I can think of at the moment. I also loveee playing sports, though I'm bad at them, because it's fun and I get to have bonding time with friends. :)

Until next time...
Gasybeans

Things I enjoy (TIE)

Hello everyone!
I hope you all have been swell and enjoying your summer with lots of sand, water, and sweat!
So, I've decided to start this chain (or whatever it's called) blog called TIE, Things I Enjoy.
Why? I'm not so sure, but I think it'll be more fun to read my thoughts on the happier parts of my life than just the usual, annoying, depressing rants. The first one is coming up soon! ENJOY! <3

Momma Calls Me Old Woman

Maybe she's right.

Today, I left/lost my cellular device on the city bus. Great. Just great. I don't know anyone with a phone at the moment to call the transit system and see if it is on the bus and I have no change to make one on the payphone. Plus, I have class in half an hour.

I'm not going to lie, I do have the same characteristics of an old person. For one, I'm forgetful. I always forget what I wanted to do, where I put things, the last thing I said. Ugh, it's just not a good thing. Especially if you're a college student.
Two, I apparently dress like one. I love those long maxi skirts with flowers to checkers and cardigans and sweaters. I can't help it. I like to be warm. :)
Three, well actually those are the only two I can think of.

Sighss...I hope I find my phone soon.

That moment of calmness

It's summer (period)

I don't know why I decided to take summer classes again after already doing it last year and hating that I did not have a break before the next school year. So, why do I do this to myself? I don't know. I just don't know.

Anyways, it's summer. And instead of spending this last hour cramming information for my quiz today (of which I did not study for) I decided to write this blog post because, well, it's summer and my brain does not feel like studying right now. Even if I did, it would be pointless because I would just forget all anyways right after I walk through those doors. Since this quiz is just 7% of my overall grade, it'll be OK if I completely fail it, right?

Sometimes I wonder what will happen to me in the future. When I think about it, I see myself working as a waitress, or something of that sort, and being upset about having to pay off loans while also really enjoying being out of school. I don't think I quite care as much as others about making a name for myself. I never liked the attention nor pressure anyways. In fact, I hate it. It makes me constantly nervous and anxious of how others will judge me and misunderstand me. You may have, or may not have, noticed by now that my biggest fear and pet peeve is being misunderstood.

It's partially my fault, actually. Being misunderstood. I never made myself heard. I was always quite growing up, and worked so hard at pleasing others I hadn't even realized the reason others had difficulty liking me was because they misunderstood the things I said/do. My sincere intentions to them were annoying and apparently prideful. It wasn't my fault that I was innocent and ignorant to my mother's boastfulness of her only daughter. I had grown up to respect my parents, and so when I became the new kid whose parents wished theirs' could be like, of course the neighborhood kids would have feelings of resentment towards me.

Even growing up, 'friends' would misunderstand me. Even my own parents. It took a long time for my mother and I to finally have this understanding with us that we have now. My father and I on the other hand are still a work in progress. It's difficult for the both of us. Of course, having to adjust to whole new different culture with very different cultural norms had a large role in this.

There are only a few in my life who understand me. I am grateful for them. Although I never realized the aspect of  being "misunderstood" was the problem in my life until now, I'm glad I see it. If I hadn't I would still be living life trying to make others like me to the extent that I forget who I am, what makes me...me. And I feel that I have been to close to hitting that mark already. SO CLOSE. I don't ever want to go near it again. Not now, not ever.

I apologize for the rambling. I will return now to my current situation.

So, here I am sitting in the library typing away with others around me probably thinking I'm either on facebook or working very diligently. Neither is true, I'm just typing up a blog. But yes, I think I will take this chance of failing this quiz, and hopefully - big HOPEFULLY - I will be more studious after today. I will kill those next 3 quizzes and I will DOMINATE THE FINAL! >:D
Why? Because too long I have wasted my youth studying and not living to the fullest extent. I may have been sincere with everyone else, but I have not been sincere with myself. Call me Selfish, but I need love to. And while I give and give, only a few have returned. (This makes me think of my cultural anthropology class and how reciprocity was a big things for many indigenous groups. Now that I think about it, it's also important in my own ethnic background. All my life my parents have put this notion in my head and I've been living in such a way without even thinking it. That was off topic and may discuss this in another blog later.)

Thanks for reading my ramblings. Love you all! <3

gasybeans

Pleasant Encounter

Today the sun was as scorching as it had been for the past four days. I had my bags packed, ready to get some studying on for my test tomorrow only to find that the 8 story building was sleeping in this Sunday morning. I looked at the pink paper plastered on the glass as it read in black ink "2:00pm - 10:00pm." It was only 10:00 AM. A little bummed that my plan was ruined and my pumped up motivation had disappeared, I turned around and began walking back to my car, and texting a friend if she was available to take a walk at the mall or something.

On my trip back to my car, there was a young man walking with his backpack on. We made eye contact and smiled at each other. As if on instinct, I suddenly felt the need to let him know the library was closed. So, without even realizing it my mouth had already opened and the words were flying out of my mouth.

"Hi! Are you headed to the Library?" I said.
"Yeah. It's right around this building" said he, pointing at where I just came from.
"Oh, yeah. It's just that Davis  (library) is closed."
"What about the UL?"
"Hmmm, I haven't checked."

Next thing I know, we were both walking together to the UL and exchanging names and other information about each other.

Of course, the UL and every other building was closed too. We both were bummed now as we took in the realization that our schedule for the day was now ruined. But instead to retreating to our homes, we stayed on campus under the shade of a large tree and talked about our interests. Eventually, we grew tired of standing and decided to sit in the shade by the library and chatted a bit more.

I was quite surprised with myself and with how much we were talking to each other. It was very comfortable and not awkward at all, though I was doing most of the talking. But he said he liked to listen and was absolutely fine with me talking. He was an athlete and I was quite surprised when he told me he was interested in global studies because he liked to learn about cultures and history.

We feed birds, migrated to his dorm building and watched 300 in the lounge, and drank cold drinks. It was quite relaxing. Eventually we had to separate and although I just met him, I felt a bit lonely when we walked our separate ways. Nevertheless, it was a pleasant encounter. It reminded me of how things use to be. How I use to always talk to stranger and then end up being friends. How we would exchange stories and opinions. Interestingly, I like talking to strangers. I never know what they'll say, what I should expect, or what their reactions are, but things eventually fall into place and I get to see and hear perspectives I hadn't thought of, and see that sometimes in life there are more similarities than there are differences.

Journal Entry

I think I need someone to talk to who can help me find and understand why I've grown to dislike a person so much.
Today, a friend was talking to me about how cute and sweet a person was, just as everyone else who doesn't know that person as much as I do. If only she knew the things that person has said about this friend. But, of course I wouldn't say anything. That person has enough socializing issues as it is.
This friend continued but stopped when she saw my face that read "I disagree" all over it and asked me why I was making such a face. Of course I gave her the "Nothing" answer with a tone that is really saying "It's better I keep my mouth shut."
The next thing she said made me almost fall out of my chair. She told me how much of a good friend I was and that this person and I have such a cute friendship. I wanted to run to my room, lock it, and hide forever. Apparently, I have fooled everyone.
I am not a good friend. I am worst than the worst. I'm afraid to fight and tell that person what I really think, how I actually feel. When that person hurts me, makes me angry, makes me sad. I deeply dislike this person and I hate myself even more.
My friend told me that she pitied this person. They have told someone that they are super insecure, that they think no one wants to be their friend, and that it took them up to now to finally realize that I wanted to genuinely be their friend.

I wasn't surprised at the first two comments, I've known them long enough to realize that. But that third comment really got to me, and not in a "moving" way - at least not a good way. I was a bit angry, annoyed, and irritated. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" I wanted to yell. I wanted to get in my car, drive 200 miles, knock on their door and say, "Are you kidding me? What have I been doing for the past 6 years? Not once have I ever asked you to be my friend, because I already considered you my friend. How many memories, how much of my moments in high school contained you in it? MORE THAN 60%! I barely knew you, but offered to let you stay in my house because I wanted to help you because you are my friend. How often have  I coaxed you when you were down? How many times have I always told you that you are my friend, that you have friends, that we care about you? Who encouraged you to play that only sport you love? Who made promises with you? Who kept all your secrets? I never judged you because I knew that everyone is different, but I always wanted to understand you. Have I ever taken advantage of our friendship? NEVER. I even attempted to be honest with you, but your pride, oh your pride, it didn't listen. Instead you fire something at me in defense. And I took it. I always took it. You always misunderstood me. I never knew how to react then, because I wouldn't realize you misunderstood me until hours later, after I've spent most of my time trying to understand why you said what you said. This is the crack. This is what has broken us. You don't see it, but I do. I feel hurt, used, stupid, and angry all the time when I'm around you. I feel like a failure, not just in school, but as a friend too, because no matter how many times I worked to keep you in the light, you always smothered it. And you have not once notice my fall. Even if you did, you have not once offered a comforting hand or ear. When people look at us, they see that I am the strong one and you are the weak. But I do not feel that way. When I look at you, I see manipulation - the strongest power of all. And I am a victim, because I can't say no, because I always want to help, because I don't want to leave anyone behind, because I would not want to be left behind. So, you say that you finally realize that I have always wanted to genuinely be your friend. Well, you're partially right and partially wrong. I did feel that way. I didn't really think of friendship as having intentions. It's not like I'm a dirtbag male looking for my fun for the night. No. I feel insulted with that statement. I feel that I had trusted you this whole time with secrets, some of which you have blurted out to people I barely knew, and yet you had NEVER trusted me. Maybe I am misunderstanding, but honey, no relationship can exist without trust, patience, and tolerance. I need help and my tolerance meter is about to reach its max."

Most feel sorry for that person, but I can't find my compassion anymore. I don't know what has happened. There have been so many little things that happened between us - comments, eye rolls, changed tone of voice, etc - that my mind has suppressed. I need to find the key to my suppressed memories, and fast, before I explode and loose all the sanity in me.

I want to be the genuine person I once was, again. I can't take this anymore. >.<

Ah, what to call this

I'll begin with an apology. My blog has been quite...dead for a while. Although I could begin my list of excuses with my limited access to a computer device for a week as a result of my Brother spilling food on it when I let him borrow it to write his final paper, which I wrote half of, I will not...OK, you got me. I already did. Nevertheless, I hope you all didn't miss me and my boring life too much. ;)

I guess I will begin this with a little bit of a girl's problem. That's right, it will be about gaining weight and looking fat in that tiny black dress. So, brace yourselves. You can't say I didn't warn ya.

As we all know, it's that time of the year where high school graduations are bombarding all the arenas and coliseums in your city. If your relatives or neighbors are anything like mine, this also means big parties where all the people invited are all of your parents friends that you don't know or remember and they claim to have held you once when you were a baby and expect you to remember them, but you know they only want you to know them because they know you're going to college and think you will be something big and they want be that person that points at the TV or newspaper or magazine and say "I know her/him. He/She knows me."
Anyways...with these parties come buffet style food. All you can eat, delicious food. So what have I done? Gorged myself in all this food. Why? Because it's free and I love food. And what are the consequences? I gain 5 pounds. Yikes. And now I shall wallow in my despair.

I know, this is stupid for me to be upset over. But I am now overweight and can barely fit the bridesmaid dress for the wedding. I will be that ugly creature that ruins the balance of the wedding. I miss being 120 lbs which was pretty good for my height of 5'2", but now I'm 10 +4 that weight, my double chin is back, and my belly has grown bigger than before, and my thighs aren't looking to good neither. Mehhhh. I need to stop thinking about myself in such a sad way. Why can't I be happy the way I am? Whyyyy?

Well, that's all for tonight. I'll post something more exciting tomorrow when I actually feel like typing. NIGHTS!

Wish Me Luck!

I have my final exam tomorrow! This 3-week course has flown by so quickly, that my brain is just like "final. what?"
I also just began my focused studying. I hope I can keep my focus and remember all these material tomorrow. Wish me luck! I'll need it. :)

Gasybeans

어떻게 (eo-tteo-ke)

wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

What am I suppose to do?
All my friends are asleep and I need advice in the love life area.
A friend of 10+ years just asked me out. O.O I don't know what to do.

Infinite Quarrel

I've come to realize that in my lifetime, I've spent most of my hours fighting, arguing, and disagreeing. The concept of peace and truce has yet to dawn on me. And no matter how hard I try to stop, well, that's a whole 'nother fight in itself.
But this fight is not the typical fight. You see, my opponent knows me well - better than anyone else in this world. It knows what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. Using my thoughts, it manipulates them and sends me into all sorts of confusion and frustration. It takes me and throws unto the ground with force so strong that I fall six feet under. When I climb out, it pulls me by the hair and throws me into the never ending forest before taunting me with insults that hurt so bad my ears begin to bleed and I start to believe they are true. So I kick it in the center and punch its face so hard, the blood has no choice but to clot itself in the socket. I yell at it to leave me alone, but my opponent is persistent. It swiftly kicks me by the ankle and I fall. I feel its grip on my ankles as it drags me where it wants me to be.
The looking glass is covered in dust and residue, but I see my opponent. Eyes a dark brown, hair the darkest black, and lips set like stone. Dark circles consume the eyes as it pierces through mine. Our movements are one in the same. As I lift up my hand to touch the cold surface, so does she. We blink the same blink, breathe the same air, and our heart beats the same pace.
But we are different. Our thoughts are different. She wants to be free, be selfish, be completely honest, be careless.
I call her monster, but she smirks and snickers. Then she stares at me hard and says,
"You say I'm a monster. Well then, what are you?"

Toss your head back and laugh

The Monster in the Closet

In darkness I sit and it consumes me. It wraps a blanket of comfort and solitude around my shaking shoulders and calms the escaped monster in me. It lets me yell and scream, and cry without judgement as it cradles my fragile soul in its arms. It plants kisses on my forehead to stop the tears and rubs my back to soothe my broken spirit.
When the monster has finished its damage, darkness casts it away back to its chamber. It lets me rest from the fight as it repairs the lock. It takes the shattered pieces of my dignity and puts it back in place, rebuilding the masking figure that hides the truth.
When it is done, it tells me to sit-up straight and lifts up my head. It tells me to open my eyes and look ahead. I look and I see. It shows me the faint light and wipes dry my wet cheek. The light peeks through the cracks illuminating a rectangular figure. The door. "Stand and be strong," it says as it unwraps its blanket around me. So I stand, and I am strong, but the soul is still weak.
I open the door and the light blinds me. When my eyes adjust, I know that my old friend is gone. I walk and I go, and go, and go. And I feel it fighting to be free, to escape again. And it will, it always will just as I know that I will return.
I always return.

OMG, A NEW POST!

Apologies for not updating on my life for a quite long period of time. After finals I returned home where internet access is limited and a rarity. So, I haven't been on the internet, but I have been reading books and sleeping lots to keep myself entertained. Thus I have gained 5 more pounds. I'm upset that I can't fit into my jeans (good thing it's summer) but my belly is sure content with all the carbs, proteins, vitamins, and other nutrients it's been lacking while in college.

I officially became 20 years old on May 13th, or as my brother would like to put it "two decades old." I didn't do much, except get baptized and pack and came back to Chapel Hill for my Maymester and Summer session II course. I decided not to retake chem 102 and will instead either take another EXSS course or a Religion course in Asian religions. This would bring me closer to finishing my minor or major, depending on which one I decide to take. I hope to finish my major and minor soon so that I can take more Biology and Sociology courses, for funsies of course. No way I could possibly complete a major in either in such a short period.

Let's see, what else is there to report?
I'm closer to some of lovieees now since Giggles is doing summer school as well and my Darling wolfgirl lives in town, so I get to see her lovely face more often as well. ^.^

This maymester course is really kicking my butt and taking lots of my time and attention. It's ruining my summer plans, but no worries because in 2.5 more weeks I will be done with it. And hopefully I do well or else I will really feel like I fail at life (if not more than what I already do).

Well, I will probably report more later after my 3 hr and 15 min class today. Peace!

Gasybeans

Choices...

This is a rant, so I would like to apologize a head of time for the incoherent stream of conscious. 

I've been feeling a bit torn lately. The dichotomy of regretful anxiety and shameless content lingers in my heart both addressing two important aspects of my life: my education and my personal happiness.

I just looked at my grades today, and have another 2 C+ s to add to my other 5 I've accumulated, only by my sophomore year. I'm going to have to pick things up during this summer and next year.

What makes me sad is that those classes actually weren't too difficult. Well, the religion one was a bit difficult because we really have to construe our own opinions and take a stand on them. And no matter how hard I study for that class (reading all the chapters and going over all the vocabs) I can't do well on the exams.
Human physiology on the other hand...If I had put more effort into the class, maybe I would've done much better. I don't know what happened. In the beginning I was so psyched and ready to learn how the body's physiology works. But over time I began to grow bored with the professor's droning voice and disinterest in teaching the class. I'm not sure I will be able to get into graduate school anymore now. I can only hope someone is compassionate enough to let me in, no matter where it is.

Although I had time to study for those exams, I spent most of it growing closer to some of my friends. While I'm a bit upset with myself for not using the time wisely, I also am content with my choice. Having been a bit down the whole school year, I didn't realize how much it was affecting my performance in school and retaining information. I've been having a hard time with studying all year and I couldn't figure out why, no matter how many different methods I tried. Now I can see that my emotional struggle was taking a toll on me and I hadn't realized it. On the bright side, I've grown closer to a wonderful groups of friends, each one different from the other, but also very alike and I love how everyone completes the group in one way or another. I'm glad I've used this time to grow closer to them and create a relationship that I hope will grow and not fall apart like all my others. 

So there's the divide that exists, and they keep fighting at each other in my heart making things difficult for me. I can only say to myself that the past cannot be changed, only the future is something I can somewhat have a say in.

hm,

I constantly wonder how my life looks in other people's eyes. Do they think I have it easy? Do they think I have nothing going on for myself? Or are they fascinated with who I am? The thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. No one will ever know the things I had to overcome. -Not even my closest friends, not even my own family. The thing is that people are so quick to judge nowadays. You only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. I always try to look as put together as I can, and I guess that's my way of hiding from the truth. It's just that that way everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay. That I never go through anything. If only everyone knew how broken I am, and how I'm holding on for dear life on this one last strand that's recently become very delicate. The truth is that no one really knows me. No one will EVER know me, and sometimes that scares me, because no one will know why I am the way I am.

Sighs...

My gluts are sore. They been holding all my weight for much too long now.

My brain feels dead. I've been cramming information for past couple of days, and sleep has become nonexistent in the last couple of nights.

I feel lonely, out of place, and a bit annoyed - not just with the people around me, but with myself as well.

And for some reason I feel really, really, really sad.

I want to cry. Let the drops of saline water fall from my eyes as freely as they wish. Maybe that's what I need right now, a good cry.

I'm frustrated.

And I feel hurt. I don't even know why.

Maybe it's because I feel incompetent in this material I'm looking at.

Maybe it's because when I ask for help, I get scolded for not trying first; or laughed because it's common sense to them.

Maybe it's because I want to be in solitude right now.

Maybe it's because I blame myself for everything that's happening at this moment: the cramming, sleep deprivation, stress, and worry for tomorrow's two exams.

Who knows.

I'm just feeling like a gray cloud today.

Darling, open your eyes.

Darling, 

Open your eyes.

You are not made up of those words that hurt you,

or the number on the scale,

or the expectations that you feel you will never meet.

You are made up of nothing more than you:

Simply, 

beautifully, 

wonderfully, 

uniquely 

you.

You are a lovely and complex soul,

and individually fascinating combination of

thoughts,

ideas,

feelings,

emotions.

No other is as beautiful as you.

Look past the mirror.

Look at your soul.

Only then will you see yourself as you really are.

B E A U T I F U L

So smile, and don't forget to Love Yourself.

Gasybeans in wonderland

These past 72 hours of my life has been the most fun I've had in all my college experiences. (Though the timing sure is bad considering it's finals week.)

I've spent most of this time with two amazing ladies, plus two others who pop in every once in a while. :)
We've laughed, done crazy things, make fun of each other, stuff ourselves full, and stay up until 6 in the morning together. And it was splendid.

I even got interrogated about my feelings. That was scary. I kept myself cowering behind a nice soft pillow, avoiding the eyes of the one who would dig every secret out of me. Although this idea sounds scary, and scared me in that moment, I felt much lighter afterwards. Having kept secrets inside, purposely not acknowledging certain feelings, and constantly adding to my wall of defense had been slowing me down for such a long time. While I believed that doing such things was actually helping me to be a stronger, better, unselfish person, I had become the total opposite.

I had become selfish, noticing how I wasn't getting what I wanted nor what I had hoped for. I became weaker, mentally, not able to deal with problems going on in my life and instead storing them inside and creating a very unhealthy and deadly ticking bomb. And I was becoming a much worse person, constantly painting gray portraits of life, and of people whom I once viewed close.

It's funny how it took just a couple days with these girls for me to realize that what I needed was to talk, to also be heard so that I can listen to the possible ways to go about things, so that I could finally breathe. I use to avoid girl talk because they only things that came out of it was usually drama. But now I see that it's not always that way.

Girl talk hadn't been part of my life since middle school. Most talks didn't get too personal, and most of the time the others aren't concerned about me. This is was such a refreshing time, that I didn't want to go back to reality. I felt everything was a dream - sleeping on a nice fluffy cloud, eating all the cakes I could, and not feeling worried about school. It was wonderful. It was my wonderland.

But, I'm stepping out of that world and returning to reality again where my days consists of coffee, late night snacking, facebooking to avoid studying, squeaky beds, and horrific final exams.

Yours truly,
gasybeans ♥

This can't be happening to me

There's that moment when you begin to talk so much about a person that your friends begin to ask questions. Only then do you realize there's something going on in your heart that your brain refuses to recognize.

This can't be happening to me.

I hate that I both know and don't want to know what is going on. The first step to everything is denial, and now I can't stop thinking about what's going on with me. I don't like this.

Giggles (Pseudonym) was listening to me ramble about life events today when she suddenly asked me if I was interested in anyone. My first response was no. Then she asked me if I liked anyone. Again, I said no. Finally she looked my straight in the eyes and said "Would you ever date _____?"

I found myself to struggle with words at that instant. My mouth was open and moving, but nothing was really coming out. I began to stutter and beat around the question saying things like "Well...I think he likes my friend" and "we just hang out a lot" and "he's just nice to everyone" and so on...

She gave me a straight face and with a stern face said, "but would YOU date him?"

For some reason I found it very hard to answer this question. My brain kept saying "No, of course not." but this wasn't coming out instead I said "I think I would. Yeah...I would."

A satisfied smile grew on her face. She got the answer she wanted out of me. sighs friends.

Now, I can't help but ask myself "do you like him?"

I keep saying no. But a tugging at the bottom of my heart has begun to take place.

I am known to be an independent woman who has grown accustomed to taking care of herself. I have trained myself to not depend on the presence of a significant other, to not strongly desire the want for another to share my happiness, because I felt everyone in my life had that role.

With this question at hand, I'm becoming afraid. I don't want this to happen. Especially if the possibility of anything ever happening is quite slim. You see, he already has a woman in his eyes...and she's a sweet friend of mine. And they're perfect for each other.

Ok, enough sappiness. I need to study for finals. -.- Nights.

Yours truly,

gasybeans ♥

Late Nights in the Library

Let me rephrase that.
 "Unproductive Late Nights in the Library."

Yup that just about sums it up. This was me last night, along with a good friend of mine. We spent our six hours there laughing, making jokes, and talking about random things instead of studying physiological components of the human body (human physiology, me) and weird carbon structures that like to fight and make babies (Organic Chemistry, him).

Somehow we got into the subject of dating along these stream of topics we were talking about. And for the first time in my life, I told a guy about how I felt about dating. A guy.

aka a human with testicles, testosterone, and a mind not molded to comprehend the complex workings of a female's mental network.

It was...interesting. but then again, I do think like a man.

So there we were, sitting at a large table. It was just the two of us. Our other friends, who were actually productive, had already left for the night. A soft sigh escaped from my mouth as I contemplated about telling him this odd opinion of mine. Its interesting being around him because well, I've only known him for about 6 months and I already felt like we were at this level of friendship where we could say anything and feel comfortable about it. Actually, he's like that with everyone. For some reason, people open up to him very easily  and usually end up pouring out all their secrets and problems onto him. He doesn't mind it, thank goodness. That's the thing about him. He doesn't judge you. He lets you talk and somehow is always able to bring out the most darkest things into the brightest light. It's truly amazing actually, and I really admire him for that. I wish I was like that.

Anyways...

So I told him, what I thought about relationships and dating, and this is what I basically said:

I just...I don't know. I don't think I can devote all the attention and time that is needed to make a relationship work. I'm not going to do that. Honestly, I will devote more time to my friends and family then to my boyfriend. My education too. I just...I don't know. I don't know what I want, in life nor in a relationship for myself. Like, what's the point of wasting my time and energy in a relationship if I don't even know if I really like this person. I just don't want a boyfriend because I feel like I wouldn't be a good girlfriend. And that I would just be in it, to be in it. I guess I just have to wait for that right guy that will remind me it's OK. I guess, I'm just scared.

To be honest, I think I'm scared of being in a relationship. I'm afraid that I won't be good enough, or that I'll end up being too clingy or not emotional enough. I'm frightened by the idea that I belong to someone else.

And then, he said the wisest thing of all.

 "I don't like the idea of dating because I always felt like it was just a waste of time. But, I feel that if there's a girl who I can talk about anything to, without thinking about what to say or what I can say around her, that means she might be the one. I think that a relationship isn't going to work if you can't truly be yourself around that person. You can't hide parts of yourself from the person you say you love. So, if there is a girl who I can be completely comfortable around, I'll know that she might be someone I like."

That was a bit paraphrased, but that was the basic message and it made me smile. He was so good at this, at forming his own definite opinions and not being afraid to take a side on it, because he knows what he believes.

I'm taking it all step by step. Trying to also formulate my own opinions and have my own stance on things rather than listening to what others say and trying to decide who I agree with. No. That's not how things should work. Today's society has created the young generation to have wishy-washy minds that can't decide what they truly believe and lack the ability to trust themselves.

I want to gain my confidence back. I want to be strong, again.

Yours truly,

Gasybeans ♥

For a short moment...

...I felt genuinely happy. The same kind of happy I use to feel years ago.
On April 20th, 2012 (I know this was like 3-days ago, bleh)  I returned from work thinking 'If I take a quick shower, I can finally do laundry then go to tonight's large group (a Christian fellowship), and then attend the charity event.' But things didn't happen in that order.

There were some misunderstandings about the timing of events, and it annoyed me a bit because I was right, but once again I failed to trust my instincts.

But a friend called and asked if I would like to join them for dinner and a movie at another friend's house and I gladly accepted. I felt a bit guilty about skipping out on large group, but I really felt that I needed to get a way for a little bit and I really messed hanging out with these beautiful ladies. I watched Bend it Like Beckham for the first time in my life and had the most delicious beefaroni and coconut cookies.

Afterwards, I attended the Charity event where we were to be walking for however long we wished. The team I was in walked for a short time, but soon decided to take a seat during the last 30 minutes of our assigned time slot. My friend and I continued to walk the whole way through.

I saw people throwing freesbies,  volleyballs, baseballs, and playing other games in the middle of the field. Curious if the objects were open to everyone, we jumped in and began passing a football back and forth. I haven't played football in years, but the familiar motion of my arms and wrist felt good. Even the fact that the football was still much too large for my tiny hands brought back good memories.

After a while, our arms began to hurt and we found a lonely volleyball sitting on the side. After our failed attempt to get a rally going, we decided to treat it like a soccer ball instead. Oh, how much I missed soccer. I haven't played soccer in 2 years and it felt like forever. I missed the sound of the ball when my foot would hit its surface and send it away to another. We passed it back and forth and soon, another friend joined us.

Our time slot was up and the others began to leave. We decided to stay longer and after a while moved on to throwing a freesbie. Not long after, we decided to take a break and found a barrel of free drinks (no one was monitoring them) and drank to our content while laying on those mats that those pole vaulters land on for track and field activities. We laid on the cold damp mat, taking in the scent of dirt, plastic, and sweat while staring into the dark sky. We were now star gazing. The problem though, was there were no stars. It was much too bright with all the stadium lights on, but we were able to make out about 10 little twinkling dots. It made us excited.

After we were tired of the damp, wet, and smelly mat, we moved on to the long jump station. Running and leaping to gain as much distance as we could, we ended up sitting in the sand and burying our blue feet into the cold gritty ground. It felt good. Drawing faces and things into the sand, we sat and enjoyed long laughs and jokes about feet, butts, and fart. One of the guys had been eying a dome like structure pushed off to side for a while, and when the security guard wasn't looking, we snuck into the dome.

It was echoy and a bit quieter in the dome. We sat on the benches inside and slowly began to let out secrets about ourselves, little by little. It lead to many laughs and a stronger bond and sense of comfort between the three of us, for we all had just meet during this school year.

When we got tired of the quietness, we returned back to the side full of music and males dressed in robes and dresses (they were doing a pageant to raise money). There were tables with beer pong items set up on them, and we started playing beer pong, me the girl versus the two boys. Of course I won :]

After having a sword fight with foamy items, we grew tired and decided to return to our beds. They walked me back to my room and we said our goodbyes. Walking into the dark room, I already missed them and I grew sad. For I knew that the short moment of smiles and laughter had just ended the moment I walked in. As quietly as I could, I showered and climbed into the bed hoping to have another day like this again.

Yours truly,
Gasybeans ♥

Something Brief

Sometimes it's better to regret doing something then to regret doing nothing at all. If we take a shot at something only to find out it wasn't mean to be, at least we know we tried. But if we never take the chance to risk it, to see where it can go - we end up never knowing. And it'll eat us up inside with questions of "what if..." and statements of "if only..." To live in fear of chasing something because we're afraid of where it will lead us means we never gave ourselves a chance to live, to feel the adrenaline, to receive the surprises of life.

So I say to you all, take all the chances life gives you. Sometimes it just takes a little testing of the water to give us the confidence to jump in. We shouldn't tie ourselves down to the empty shore forever without finding out what else lies past the horizon.

Lil Wayne - Mirror ft. Bruno Mars

I'm not really a big fan of Wayne, but to be honest, I do like this song.

Ay Dios Mio!

I awoke this morning with a grand sensation amongst my taste buds that were desiring something sweet, deep fried, and full of lipids and carbs.
Donuts. I was craving for donuts.
This is rare, folks. R A R E.
I am one of those persons who are not very fond of donuts, but you know what? I ate two. TWO GLAZED, LEMON FILLED DONUTS. and it was d e l i c i o u s. Ignoring the fact that I felt sick and awful after the second one.
But I welcomed those southern delicacies into my body and made my way to work on my bicycle. At work, I got to work with my co-worker, Bubbles. We haven't worked with each other for a while and I was so happy to be around her. Her laughter, optimism, and kindness is so contagious that it's impossible to be a dark cloud around her. It was nice to have such a refreshing atmosphere once again.
On top of that she drove me back to my living space, which was super duper great because that meant I wouldn't have to bike up that treacherous hill.
I then spent my time in the library working on this paper I had due today, but when I arrived to class, I recieved the most greatest news of all: our third exam was now optional.
This meant that, after missing two days of classes and not reading any of the articles or books assigned, I no longer needed to stress about not knowing anything for the third exam. SCORE.
Feeling great about this news, I bought myself a cheesy dinner.

I regret nothing today. Nothing. :]
Well, actually...I do regret not finishing this Italian presentation and this other paper.

Good Night to all you beautiful people!

Yours Truly,

Gasybeans ♥

misconceptions

Last night I was conducting the last interview for my research when I asked, "is there anything else you would like to tell me?"

The man on the other line was in his early 50s, respectable among the Montagnard Community, and a very honest and kind man.
"Yes" he said.

When I heard his familiar friendly voice, the pen in my hand that was beating on the notebook at the moment quickly returned to its upright position waiting to dance rapidly on the familiar dance floor. My mouth opened to  ask him to continue, but he beat me to it.

The next stream of words that escaped from the phone line put my life at a halt. My chest grew tight, my heart fell, my body stiffened, and my hand began to shake. The pen decided not to dance. It wouldn't matter if this was recorded or not, for it was not relevant to my research. But his words reminded me of the thing I was most afraid of.

Disappointment.

"I'm so proud of you. You have made your parents proud and you give hope to this community. I'm proud of this career choice you have chosen for yourself. Just don't forget about God. Don't forget to grow in faith. Don't forget where you are from. Don't forget about your family. Stay strong and courageous. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your success. You set an example for what a good Christian is for the young people of this community."

I was silent. I didn't know what to say. How could I?

They all think I'm successful. They believe that I can make a difference. When they look at me they see a strong woman, who knows where she's going in life, who has ambition and aspiration. They see hope.

But I am nothing close to that.

I'm not successful. I don't know where I'm going in life. In fact, I don't know what I want to do with my life. Ambition? Aspiration? Those are characteristics of a conqueror, a champion. I could be anything more less than that. I lack aspiration and passion. I'm indecisive, not in control, and unsure of what I am doing at this very moment. What do they think I'm going to do? Be a doctor and open my own clinic? Highly unlikely. I can barely pass my human physiology exams with anything higher than a B. An example? A good Cristian? Hah! What have I done to these people? Have I brainwashed them? Why do they see me in such a way? There are other Montagnard teenagers doing things bigger than me, actually doing well in school, and are in fact pursuing a career. Why aren't they getting any attention, any acknowledgement? What is my career choice anyway? I don't even know.

I don't even know.

"Hello?"

I cleared my throat hastily as the thoughts in my head kept swirling. Shifting my position in the uncomfortable dinning chair, I began beating the pen against the notebook again and swallowed my spit hard.

"Thank you. Thank you for your time and for answering these questions for me. Good night."

"Ok. No problem. God bless you."

Click.

Just for Laughs

Just a little something that made me laugh today.
Click la foto for details xD

The First Post

Hello Reader! :)


So, this is the first post, a post that will most likely appear to be insignificant. I doubt anyone will read or follow this blog anyways. But that's OK.

I've impulsively created this blog, like everything else I do, because I feel that it will be good therapy for me. You see, I'm just like you. I have feelings. I get angry, sad, happy, confused, lost, etc. The problem is, I'm a much passive person. I don't like to confront my problems because, well..., that's how my mind deals with things. It likes to forget things that make me unhappy. But lately, in the past two years I've found myself thinking a lot. I've been thinking things that I've never thought about before, and it makes me uncomfortable, unhappy.

So here it is, a blog. A place where I can spill out all the beans in this noggin of mine. A compilation of rants and minor events that somehow have been imprinted with meaning. Postings will be inconsistent, and dependent on my mood.
Thanks for visiting, and thanks for reading, for listening. It's nice to be heard once in a while.


Yours truly,

Gasybeans ♥

P.S. Please do visit my other blog: Sketchy Scribbles. It's a joint-blog with a friend of mine containing a collection of our impulsive writing ideas.